Four Christmases and a Wedding

Arielle Kebbel is one of those actresses you've swear you've seen before but can't place where, even after checking her imdb page. Generic enough, she's still has enough charm to drive this yarn from Lifetime about an event planner and the guy she can never quite git wit year after year. Meanwhile there's a love triangle, a divorced sister, and a niece who doesn't age a day in four years and may be undead a la Kirsten Dunst in Interview With The Vampire. Don't worry, things work out for everyone, including the little vampire, who seems fine walking around during the day. Fans of Christmas Cheddar may be amused by what's either a meta reference or shameless cross promotion, when the gang sits down to watch the fair's nightly movie under the stars and it's the Lifetime Christmas Cheddar flick Dear Santa (MSG Approved, check for the review a few weeks ago), upon which Kebble declares, "Oh I love this movie!" Sharp fans will also recognize the film being screened in another scene as 2015's Becoming Santa. Christmas factor is moderately high, and the absence of a villain makes the nausea factor less annoying. MSG Approved.

Switched for Christmas

It's December so of course it's time for the Mother of the Countdown To Christmas Holy Trinity, Candace Cameron Buré. Here she plays twins who switch places: one a suburban schoolteacher and the other a city exec. They're both planning Christmas celebrations so the Christmas factor is moderate, and there's a breezy, casual atmosphere courtesy of director Lee Friedlander, probably the only Christmas Cheddar director who deserves credit for actually directing a movie (she helmed the MSG Fav A Gift Wrapped Christmas). A movie about planning a holiday party and Christmas fair should be more steeped in December imagery, but the nausea factor doesn't rise over moderate, and while the small town seems to be favored, the big city is not entirely dismissed. Not sure if I'd watch it again but after the crappy ones I tried to watch yesterday I'm feeling generous. MSG approved.

12 Days of Giving

No! Another questionable premise, more bad acting, and for a movie about giving in December, the Christmas factor is disappointingly low. No. Not MSG approved.

Under the Mistletoe

I'm about 20 minutes in and I'm shutting this off right now. Husband dies in a car accident, son talks to his ghost and argues with everyone, gets in fights, and I guess the mother's friends about about to enter her in a dating contest but this is a huge downer and it's about as Christmas as an episode of American Horror Story. Not MSG approved.

A Christmas Prince

Even Netflix is getting into it now. iZombie’s Rose McIver ditches the undead look to star as a reporter who goes undercover as a princess’ tutor to get the scoop on her big brother, a young jet setter who may be choosing to abdicate his inherited throne. Because this is Netflix, the film hit the radar of many not familiar with Christmas Cheddar and had no idea what to expect. Several articles reporting on Netflix's tweets to the 53 people who inexplicably watched this movie every day since it dropped, referred to it as trash, and Buzzfeed called it the worst Christmas movie of all time. Is it really that bad? No. In fact it's exactly the same as a typical Hallmark movie; literally the only difference is there's no Hallmark logo in the lower right of the screen. Actually, it's obvious from the very beginning when we're inundated with B-rolls of NYC to hide the fact that it was filmed in Canada somewhere. Wolmen's Skating rink? We've got that B-roll. New York Public Library? We've got that B-roll. Empire State Building? Radio City Music Hall? Rockefeller Center? We've got that B-roll. Does the actual outside set look anything like New York City? Of course not. Keep watching and it's exactly the same as a number of specific American vs royalty sub-genre films all over cable in December: free-spirited American finds her way into the royal home of a fictional country which is not Great Britain but everyone sounds British, causes havoc, draws the ire of the elders, then bonds with the child, charms the pants off everyone and before you know it, they can't live without her and the age appropriate male has fallen head over heals. Don't forget her arrival at the climactic ball in an elegant dress to make the snob's jaws drop. Cliched and predictable, but no more so than anything else in the Countdown to Christmas cannon, which should be a surprise to no one. What the fuck was Buzzfeed expecting, a Christmas episode of The Crown? Stranger Christmas Things? A Very Mindhunter Christmas? Oye. Meanwhile, as much as McIver's chalk white make up and platinum blonde wig from iZombie appeals to my inner goth, it is nice to see her au natural, even if it is without her sexy New Zealand accent. Speaking of, the film features two of the worst faked American accents I've ever heard; her father sounds like Brooklyn native in a production of Oliver Twist, and her boss' is so bad it's worth watching for that train wreck alone (just watch the first ten minutes and skip to the last ten, the scene at the end is especially bad). Is it a good movie? Of course not, this is not artistic cinema. But this is exactly the movie Netflix for some reason wanted to make. Is it good as far as Christmas Cheddar goes? Unfortunately not. While McIver is a delight and the cast is strong (the two accents excepted), it's just a December rom-com in which Christmas is an afterthought. Not MSG approved. Nice try though, Netflix.

Snowmance

Holy fuck this one from Ion was painful. Snowman comes to life as the man of this girl's dreams, the platonic friend who obviously loves turns into a whiney bitch for an hour and a half. I had to fast forward at spots because there were about 74 speeches about how love is about friendship and not excitement, yada yada yada. I would have just shut it off but I wanted to see how they reconciled the existence of the living snowman, which they never did. The one good scene is when the livings snowman builds an actual snowman whom he refers to as "Doug," then freaks out when he jealous friend knocks it over, calling him a murderer. One mild chuckle doesn't give me that 80 minutes of life back. Christmas is barely mentioned. MSG Middle Finger.

A Gift to Remember

Amnesia is not an uncommon plot point in Christmas Cheddar: last year there was the MSG Approved "A Christmas To Remember" (note the nearly identical name) with Mira Sorvino and this year's Not MSG Approved and as I pointed out, morally questionable "Second Chance Christmas." In this one our leading lady actually causes the problem when she runs over a random stranger with her bicycle. Hilarity doesn't ensue, it's more of mystery as they try to piece together his identity. Weird thing is he doesn't seem to mind that this girl nearly killed him or that he doesn't know who the fuck he is. He grins and smirks thought the whole movie, amid the clues and revelations. It's really creepy; if this was Lifetime and January though November the guy would probably turn out to be a serial killer. There's a Christmas Eve book store event and some holiday decorations but the Christmas factor's too low to overcome a leading man whom you can't decide whether to punch in the face or run for your life from. Not MSG Approved.

With Love, Christmas

An advertising creative tries to subtly learn more about her Secret Santa recipient while they work on a cell phone campaign. She loves Christmas, he hates it. Add a side dish of his cold relationship with his father and her anonymous email address which starts as a way of gathering gift preference info and turns into one long cybertherapy session. The biggest surprise is here is the placement of the last minute obstacle is somewhat against the grain. It’s hardly a Shymalan twist but the slightest deviation from the formula is noticeable, in a good way. Christmas factor high. MSG Approved.

Every Christmas Has a Story

Leading up to its premier last year, Hallmark played up the fact that its two leads characters were ex-flames. I almost skipped it but gave it a shot; fortunately that angle was a mere subplot played up to promote to their year round audience. Viewers like me just looking for a Yuletide escape are welcome, this is more of a lost Christmas Spirit tale coupled with a mystery. Fluff morning show host Lori Laughlin (who’s also turning into a Christmas Cheddar lifer, 2015’s Northpole: Open For Christmas is MSG Approved) lets it slip on the air that she hates Christmas. It’s not as bad as Sue Simmons saying, “What the fuck are you doing?” (google it) but it’s enough for the network to replace her Christmas vacation with an assignment in a tiny Christmas themed town that’s offered to help bring her Christmas spirit back. It’s a gateway to high Christmas factor plot and the romantic nausea factor doesn’t really step in until the end, when the characters essentially declare, “Oh btw, now that the adventure’s over, I love you, just thought I’d mention it.” Throw in an estranged father, because it’s Hallmark so why the hell not? MSG Approved.

Coming Home for Christmas

Wonder Years alum, math genius and author (seriously, look it up) Danica McKellar is turning into a Christmas Cheddar lifer with round number four here, after the Not MSG Approved "Crown For Christmas," the MSG Approved "My Christmas Dream." and "Love At The Christmas Table (didn't see it). This one's very similar to the bevy of "spunky American works her way into the hearts of stuffy British Royalty" films like "Princess For Christmas" (w/Katie "eaten by a dinosaur" McGrath, MSG Approved), "A Royal Christmas" (w/holy trinity Daughter Lacey Chabert - Not MSG Approved) and her own aforementioned "Crown For Christmas." The twist here is we're still in the USA, so the royals are replaced with wealthy aristocratic Americans in a mansion instead of a castle. As their new House Manager, she's tasked with planning the Christmas gala, which potentially could have been tacked on at the end but becomes a running subplot throughout. There's also a love triangle but the A story is a dysfunctional family bonding through their shared love of the newcomer. It's a common story but welcoming when the romance is resigned to the B plot. We all probably go through the same shit except we're not billionaires, but imagine 87 more rooms in the house where you grew up and you just might relate. Bonus points for the inclusion of Chelan Simmons from the tv remake of "Carrie" that only I seem to remember (you may have seen her getting fried in a tanning bed in "Final Destination 3"). Christmas factor high. MSG approved.

A Very Merry Toy Store

Competing toy stores team up to fight the big chain threatening to put an end to them both. Enemies become friends, friends become lovers, former teen actors get work, Brian Dennehy pops up for good measure and gets to keep his SAG health insurance. For a movie that revolves around 3 competing toy stores, the Christmas Factor is surprisingly low. There's nothing here to really elevate the material, in fact the best part is the character of Hart's brother in the arch-typical "dumb guy role." When an alleged romantic-comedy needs a comedy-relief, it's not a good sign. Not MSG approved.

The Christmas Calendar

After playing Santa’s daughter in the MSG Approved "Becoming Santa" and returning to the genre in the MSG Middle Finger "Season’s Greetings" (shut that one off about 20 minutes in), professional plain jane Laura Bell Bundy is back with this offering from Up TV. This is sort of a less aggressive version of the MSG Middle Finger "A Christmas Reunion," Bundy plays a big city lawyer who returns to the small town to take over the bakery she inherited from her grandmother. But this time it's someone who chose to do so, instead of having some local prick bad mouthing her life choice at every turn until she magically relents. As her nose-ringed millennial assistant points out, "She used to be a lawyer, but she's better now." I'm not sure if that's intended to be anti-capitalist or anti-lawyer, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and go with the latter. There's the impending foreclosure and the business rival who becomes the love interest, wrapped inside a plot which focuses on the anonymous titular gift, which includes a new message each day. How small is this town? Before this happens, the front page story in the local paper is a dog giving birth to 12 puppies, so once word of her mystery hits the news cycle, the whole town gets all up in her business, both personal and professional, wondering who the secret admirer is. It should be pretty easy to guess, especially since the premise was scooped by a film last year (won't say which one, not that anybody cares, but no spoilers just in case). I'll assume the script was written more than a year ago and chalk it up to parallel development. Someone might have caught it and changed the ending but then again it would kind of ruin the whole premise, and for these movies, who gives a crap about originality anyway? But the big difference is last year's film did it better. Like the unsuccessful films this could have been any other month. Plus when the hell is she baking? Not MSG approved.

Enchanted Christmas

Former Spy Kid turned Machette Kills vixen Alexa PenaVega lands in Christmas Cheddar land as a hotel development Project Manager who's latest assignment just happens to be back in her hometown, at a hotel that just happens to be where she danced in the yearly Christmas show as a kid, which now just happens to be directed by her ex-flame. The PM for this production obviously was working off the trusty template (it's what we do) because all the steps are in the timeline: the widowed lead, the small town, the Christmas deadline, the former boyfriend, the single parent’s child the potential beau bonds with, the current boyfriend who turns into a douche, the loud conversation on the cell phone out in the open that gives away the antagonist's treachery, the sudden opportunity with the immediate deadline that forced the lead to choose between career and love, and the lifelong ambitions that fall by the wayside. Why can't the powers that be just wait two fucking days so our heroes don't have to make a Sophie's choice with their life paths? Real life husband Carlos PenaVega is likable as the lead male, and Alexa is indeed enchanting, but the Christmas factor is way too low, despite the big Christmas gala at the end. Better than I expected, but not MSG approved.

A Christmas Reunion

When I said the small-town anti-capitalist conceit wasn't a concern with Lifetime as it is for Hallmark, I may have spoke too soon. I forgot about this crapfest from 2015, or maybe I was trying to wipe it from my memory. Denise Richards' life as an city exec is upended when she inherits her aunt's bakery in the bumblefuck town she grew up in. Fellow Starship Trooper Patrick Muldoon is on hand to remind her every five fucking minutes that it's her obligation to give up everything she's spent her life working for just because she was named in a relative's will. Muldoon, who did solid support work in the MSG Approved A Dogwalker's Christmas Tale and All About Christmas Eve, cannot carry a movie, and stinks up the joint worse than he did in the MSG Middle Finger A Boyfriend for Christmas. Although when playing a character who's delusionally clinging to the idea that no one in their right mind ever moves in their life, no amount of acting talent can save that. After demanding that Richards not return to her home, her job, her life in the city for the umpteenth time, she says, "It's where I live." He says, "It's not where you're from." I said, "FUUUUuuuuuuuUUUUUUUCK you!!!" MSG Middle Finger. Hell, make it two.

Finding Santa

After a good supporting role in the MSG approved Defending Santa, Full/Fuller House’s Jodie Sweetin follows tv sister Candace Cameron Bure’s footsteps and graduates to a Christmas Cheddar lead role. As the owner of a year-round holiday shop, she’s also the head planner of the yearly Christmas parade in her, as per usual, little town. How little? When their Santa Claus breaks his arm, there’s isn’t a single man in the entire town who can take over. In the ENTIRE TOWN, except for the mayor’s son, who’s a major league asshole (played with huge douchbag zest by some guy I hope gets some well-earned work from this). So it’s off to the big city to find the Santa actor’s son, who’s genetic disposition to harness his inner jolly is the only thing that can save the town. Literally, one of the major points they let us know is the town’s economy relies on tourism , which relies on the parade. In other words, if this guy doesn’t play old St Nick it will destroy the town like Carrie on prom night. Wow, there’s a lot riding on this. No surprises, but it is a Christmas heavy plot line and Sweetin bears the mantle well. MSG approved.

The Perfect Christmas Present

Two years ago both Hallmark and Lifetime ran Christmas movies about personal shoppers (the MSG Approved “12 Gifts of Christmas” and the far superior MSG Fav “A Gift-Wrapped Christmas” respectively, which I'll get to later). Hallmark had a brunette, Lifetime had a blonde, now Hallmark Movies & Mysteries channel has a novel approach to its lead character: a man! Basically, guy finds clients the perfect gift for their intendees, specializing in Christmas (earning him the nickname Mr Christmas, which would have been a better title but might have clashed with Hallmark's Miss Christmas, which I'll also get to) via a questionnaire and savvy research. But a last minute request from a corporate client who's basically too self-absorbed to give a shit, forces him to be more proactive and essentially stalk the woman in question, leading to the inevitable meeting. Basically he's a G rated version of Matt Dillon in There's Something About Mary, maybe he's not as aggressive about it and there's no cumshots to the ear but we are teetering on a morality fence. Most importantly, this could happened January through November they could have called called it The Perfect Birthday Present and it would have been 98% identical; a Christmas themed fundraiser at the end is too little too late. Not MSG approved.

A Song for Christmas

Country pop star gets stuck in the obligatory tiny town, is practically adopted instantly by a local family. Apparently all it takes is asking to borrow a phone for 30 seconds and the next thing you know they’re inviting you over for dinner then insisting you stay overnight, which sounds a little too much like a cult kidnapping to me. There’s a son who plays guitar and a whole bunch of romantic tension and country music. I nearly shut this off seven minutes in when Johnny Joe Jim-Bob starts strumming a hillbilly riff at the local gas station, but it was getting late and I didn’t want to start over with another movie before going to bed, I had work in the morning. I didn’t really care about those two but there’s a more engaging subplot about the teenage daughter’s plans to save the family farm before the bank forecloses (yes, it’s one of those). City life's not immune to criticism, as soon as we meet mom and dad we learn mom's a city transplant who met country dad and fell head over heels, referring to herself as a, "reformed city girl," as if she'd overcome a self-destructive affliction. In a way, this is kind of an unofficial sequel to 90% of the Hallmark Christmas cheddar, so I guess we no longer need to wonder about what actually happens to these couples 20 years down the road. As for the film itself, it's supposed be more dramatic but the persistence of light-hearted quips give this the appearance of a rom-com not funny enough to earn the com. Christmas factor is moderately high but would I watch it again? Probably not. Not MSG approved, but I kind of feel bad about it. Let's say it gets 2 1/2 Christmas Trees, add a half if country music doesn't get on your nerves.

Marry Me at Christmas

Fortunately for we the humble viewers, this is not about a woman who's getting married (that title is a bit deceptive, or grammatically incorrect, however you want to look at it). It's about a woman planning a wedding for her new best friend whom she met five minutes after the opening credits were done, because even platonic friendships move quickly in cheddar land. The man in question is the bride to be's brother, who happens to be a famous movie star. I've always wondered what it must be like to be an actor pretending to be a far more successful version of yourself, I'd imagine it'd be a hard set of mental keys to return after shooting raps. At least he's the city boy and she's the bumpkin, and the most memorable sequence is when he asks if the town has a gym and say says no, "We just hike up the mountains, do pull-ups on the tree branches, swim in the lake, boom, that's your gym," before letting him off the hook and telling him, "The gym's down the block. We're not cavemen." It's pleasant enough, Christmas imagery is a constant and the curly-q'd Rachel Skarsten makes an appealing lead. MSG approved.

Christmas Land

The title says it all. After playing the best friend in Golden Christmas 3, Nikki Deloach (the mom from Awkward) gets her first Christmas Cheddar lead. This is the same big city girl in the small rustic town, but this time it's a Christmas themed tourist attraction she's inherited, which creates a high Christmas factor setting. In case we forget the small town is better, her suitor in the little hamlet is the local lawyer, who rejected the corporate life to provide legal council to gingerbread cookie bakers and Christmas tree sellers. Thanks to an only in tv coincidence, he went to law school with her current suit and tie beau, who says his jeans and flannel counterpart had a "reputation." The meaning of this is never explained, the look on his face implies that maybe he banged lots of co-eds, or it's just academic jealously, we'll never know. Our heroine is ready to just sell for a profit, then decides to fix it up first, and you can pretty much guess the rest. All the while, Hallmark's prejudice is in full force as the lumberjack barrister bad mouths cities at every turn. Even the lead character can't take it anymore, asking "What exactly happened to you in the city, were you mugged or something?!" It's a refreshing dose of meta-realism, and with Deloach at the helm and heavy yuletide background, it works. MSG approved.

Dear Santa

"The two of you plowed snow together. That's one step away from, well, plowing." 
And that's the moment from this film where I learned there's actually a significant difference between Lifetime and Hallmark Christmas Cheddar. When Lifetime takes its yearly December break from movies about women stabbing each other, they offer Holiday fare that carries TV PG ratings vs Hallmark's G. Less family friendly usually means less inane, plus the small town anti-capitalist conceit is not a priority for them. This one starts off with a questionable premise of a spoiled shopaholic who's cut off from the family cash flow and appears to be in search of a meal ticket, at least until it leads her into volunteering in soup kitchen which brings her down to earth. There's the usual falling for the single dad, bonding with the child and a love triangle. Positives, a script with, as previously indicated, some sharp zingers, and a moderate amount of Christmas factor, but it's really Amy Acker that makes this watchable. MSG approved.

Angels and Ornaments

An angel with a very predictable back story tries to nudge two platonic friends into romance and won't shut up about love. Find love, keep love, I lost love, love love lovey love love, BLORCH. Meanwhile all mention of Christmas falls by the wayside, except for an ornament that's involved but I'll be honest, I stopped playing close attention a while ago, if it wasn't for Jessalyn Gilsig's presence I would have shut this off. It alleviates the suffering, but it's suffering nonetheless. As partial as I am to angel stories this is not a keeper. Not MSG approved.

The Christmas Parade

Remember the Northern Exposure gender switch (Christmas Under Wraps)? This one is Doc Hollywood, down to the judge's destroyed fence, plus swap a doctor for a television correspondent and the community service involves the titular parade. Filled with mondo-cheesy lines like, "Sometimes broken roads lead to the best destinations," but Christmas factor is high, Jennifer Gibson's supporting performance as the producer/best friend makes up for the lead's lack of charisma and the anti-capitalist small town lure isn't as aggressive as normal. MSG approved.

The Mistletoe Inn

By now, Alicia Witt has become the Holy Ghost of the Hallmark Christmas Cheddar holy trinity, with Lacey Chabert the Daughter and Candace Cameron Buré the Mother. Her offering this year features her as an aspiring Christmas romance novelist, not doubt because to the good people at the network this is a lofty aspiration. The male lead is a guy I don't know from anything else but these Christmas movies, but he's done a whole bunch so he's a big fish in this little pond. And good for him, it's really hard to make a career as a working actor, and apparently he's a voice in Call Of Duty WWII, my holiday present to myself, so it all comes full circle. Lucie Guest plays the instant best friend and does a good job, enough that I hope it earns her some work, maybe a lead someday. There's Christmas imagery in almost every frame but the meta plot could really apply to any time of year, and the big twist is so obvious you should catch it literally 10 minutes in. Witt has never looked better so I'll probably watch it next year, but if you’re not crushing on her there’s probably no point in watching this. Not MSG approved.
SECOND LOOK:
I caught the second half of this while I was getting ready today and I’m giving it a second evaluation. The Christmas factor is high enough to overcome the nausea factor and Alicia Witt gives a very welcomed X Factor. I’ll say MSG approved now.

Annie Claus Is Coming To Town

Subtlety referred to as Miss Annie Claus (say it out loud if you don't get it), the girl who played Kenny's literally blind date on that episode of 30 Rock continues the tradition of Santa Claus' daughters, sons, brothers, 3rd cousins once removed, etc, out in the real world. Here she travels to Los Angeles in a Yule time version of the Amish Rumspringa and ends up directing a pageant and having a love triangle with a toy store owner and the most douchy looking guy on the planet (trust me), with adequately entertaining consequences. There's also an odd class structure at the North Pole which may or may not be unsettling, you decide. Christmas factor high. MSG approved.

Once Upon A Holiday

Princess gets lost in a city which is supposed to be New York but couldn’t look less like it, finds her down to earth everyman, yada yada yada. Even though we’re in the city, Hallmark makes sure we know our contractor leading man was a high powered executive who chucked it all for the simple life of working with his hands. It’s not offensively anti-capitalist and there’s a whole thing with retired cops who all play Santa. This is on the cusp but I’ll say MSG approved. What the hell, it’s Christmas after all.

Christmas Under Wraps

This is essentially "Northern Exposure" with a gender switch + the town which may be Santa's workshop. These are not known for their originality, and the setting makes it work for the season.
MSG approved.

A Very Merry Mix-Up

In contrast to Christmas List, Witt's first Christmas Cheddar film for Hallmark is just a nauseating mistaken identity romcom in December.
Not MSG approved.

Christmas List

Redhead firebrand Alicia Witt makes her fourth Christmas Cheddar appearance for Hallmark and fifth overall. While this succumbs to the familiar trope of the executive boyfriend who morphs into a douche halfway through, paving the way clear for the small town Romeo, this is a heavily Christmas saturated story with some genuine laughs and a charismatic turn from Witt.
MSG approved.

Second Chance Christmas

Obviously non of these movie are SAG Award contenders but this one is particularly badly acted, not to mention poorly written with a premise that's morally questionable. Not MSG approved.

My Christmas Love

Despite the nauseating title, this was my favorite from Hallmark last year. Granted I'm a little biased because Meredith Hagner is in it but it's also has a lot of seasonal imagery and an interesting twist. Dangles on the verge of vomit inducing towards the end but there's also some emotional weigh that will hit anyone who's gone through losing a parent. And did I mention Meredith Hagner?

An MSG fav.

The Christmas Spirit

There's virtually nothing Christmas about this one. Shut it off halfway through last night. MSG middle finger