I'm Not Ready For Christmas

It's been well established that originality on the Hallmark Network is as elusive as honesty on Fox News, but rising even higher above the familiar motifs and outright cliches is an emerging sub-genre of blatant ripoffs of theatrical hits. Victims of cinematic identity theft include Groundhog Day,  Freaky Friday (both of which we'll cover later), and the 90's hit given the once over by this film, the Jim Carrey vehicle Liar Liar. In this year's offering from now perennial cheddar favorite Alicia Witt, the comely redhead plays a driven ad exec (high powered professional like Carrey's lawyer) who frequently lies to get ahead and evade trouble (same), until her niece (son) after one too many broken promises (same) makes a wish (same) to a sidewalk Santa (birthday candles) after which, she is unable to lie (SAME SAME SAME) while trying to land a big client (win a big court case) and earn a big promotion (make partner). This isn't laugh out loud funny (if it was, the screenwriter would be scripting theatrical films after all), but it's pleasantly humorous in a lighthearted way, and while Witt can't match Carrey's comic sensibility, she manages to come across as sympathetic and likeable. Prolific stage actor and The Wonder Years' dad Dan Lauria is on hand as the magical Santa, and while he's sporting what's clearly a polyester fiber beard that looks like it came from a 99 cent store, his acting chops serve the part well. There's the obligatory romance, predictable lesson learned and what's becoming an increasingly ubiquitous (and ridiculous) plot device, the supposedly clandestine cell phone conversation taking place well within earshot of the protagonist which gives the antagonist's deception away (villains in these things seem to think a distance of five feet puts them in a cone of silence). But it's pleasant, and Witt brings enough to pull it together. Nausea factor moderate. Christmas factor moderate. Plus Alica Witt. MSG approved (but it's close).

One Christmas Eve

A dog causes mass chaos in this welcomed non-romance from Hallmark. When well-intentioned Cesar (Carlos Gomez, that guy from nearly a hundred things) leaves an abandoned dog on the doorstep of what appears to be a stable and loving family, then slips and injures himself trying to make an anonymous getaway, it sets forth an unlikely chain of events that includes more injuries, property destruction and even a robbery at gunpoint. Veteran Anne Heche is the house occupant whose attempts to aid Cesar drag her into the string of disasters, with her kids and a hospital employee in tow. Despite the constant jumping from the frying pan into repeated fires (at one point literally), this movie is genuinely funny, occasionally bordering on black comedy (or dramedy), something very rare for Hallmark cheddar. Say what you want about Heche herself, but she's a still a good actress and the rest of the cast is strong as well. The film also deals with divorce, which makes for a more interesting subplot than an obligatory romance, which is jettisoned in favor of family bonding and the kindness of strangers. It may be a little heavy at times, but still entertains. Nausea factor low. Christmas factor moderate, not bursting with spirit but good enough. MSG approved.

3 Day Christmas (aka 3 Day Test)

Frustrated accountant George Newborn (the groom from Father Of The Bride) feels his family is losing touch with each other, and responds by shutting off the power and heat and locking them in the house for three days. If that sounds like an odd solution, that's only because it is. Apparently he got the idea from his brother, who's some kind of survivalist psycho, yet it still seems reasonable to him. The wife and kids protest, but come around eventually and decide to take up the challenge. There's a few oddities here, the first being that Newborn has several hallucinations which doesn't seem unusual to him or the filmmakers. Second is when the survivalist psycho brother decides the challenge is not challenging enough and stages a number of home invasions, setting up the climatic sequence which plays out like a less blood splattered version of You're Next, or simply a less creative ripoff of Home Alone, however you want to see it (and You're Next itself is only slightly less violent than Home Alone 2). The always likable Megyn Price (Grounded For Life, Rules Of Engagement, which I've never met a single person who ever watched it and yet it ran for 7 seasons) is good as the wife and tv veteran Corbin Bernsen is effectively comical as an oddball cameraman. Apparently Bernsen directed and (allegedly) cowrote this, and while I'm sure it didn't send any flags up to the Emmy committee, he did a passable job. No romantic angle here, it's about a dysfunctional family, and makes decent use of the season. Nausea factor low. Christmas factor moderately high. MSG approved, but they better continue to make use of the Christmas version of the title, there's no reason to care about this January to October.

Window Wonderland

Two department store window designers vie for a promotion while doing the unresolved sexual tension dance. This one was little surprising; from the premise it appeared that the nausea factor would render it unwatchable (i.e. Tis The Season For Love), but it's actually less objectionable than average. Chyler Leigh (Grey's Anatomy) and Paul Campbell (Battlestar Galactica) are pretty engaging leads and have some good chemistry. Campbell got the likable wiseass bit down and Leigh is just so damn cute (even with the ill-advised pixie-cut) she's always sparkling. There's a predictable opposites attract trope in use here; she's the reserved one and he's the unfiltered word cannon, but there's also an interesting art debate in play. She's the design school graduate who meticulously plans everything out, he's the natural talent who scribbles ideas on napkins at the last minute and does just as well. Is Hallmark calling it even on the nature vs nurture debate? Doubtful their intentions are that deep, it's just another predictable romance. But the leads are engaging and the window design aspect makes good use of the season. Nausea factor moderate. Christmas factor high. MSG approved.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Busy marketing executive and single mom Brooke Burns (the first girl Jack Black sees after the change in Shallow Hal) finds her life even more complicated when her uncle (Henry Winkler) brings home a friendly young man (some guy I've never seen before or since) he meets stranded at the airport. Fortunately the guy's a kind hearted chef filled Christmas spirit and not a serial killer, and once her protests die down, he's decorating the house, bonding with her kid and saving dinner. She's already dating a captain business type, but course he's a typical romcom douchebag and uncle Fonzie is all too happy to nudge her in the right direction. Predictable fare do doubt, but Burns is a bright lead and Winkler's support is funny and engaging. Nausea factor moderate. Christmas factor moderate. And I'm a sucker for a good obnoxious toy story owner beat down. Nothing like multiple felonies all in the name of getting Timmy that bike he'll be bored with in two months. MSG approved.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, For Christmas

A group of dead letter office postal workers investigate a Christmastime letter, not to Santa, but to God himself in this this film from the people who brought you Touched By An Angel. From the outset, there appeared to be a lack of exposition, so a quick search revealed that Signed, Sealed, Delivered was actually A Hallmark Channel series which ended after one season but continued as a series of movies, starting with this one. Because of that, there's a number of subplots which are never quite resolved, which can be frustrating, assuming you won't be watching this channel January to October. There's an interesting angel angle, but much of the spirituality is a little too heavy handed to consider this light hearted fare. A lot of decorations, plus a Christmas pageant, but there's also a lot of life threatening illness, abandonment issues and deep meaning of life philosophical rhetoric. Nausea factor moderately high. Christmas factor moderately high, but not enough to overcome. Not MSG approved.

Charming Christmas

It just wouldn't be Christmas time without another Kinder Claus movie. David Sutcliff (Rory's deadbeat dadv on Gilmore Girls) stars as Nick, the new Santa in a family owned department store, who's manager, Julie Benz (Dexter), is arranging a franchising deal with a soulless business conglomerate. Always grining and effervescent, with parents from "up north" and with the tell tale first name (again, always either Nick or Kris, because Larry Claus just doesn't cut it) it's pretty clear early on this is another Santa spawn flick. But there's good use of the ensemble, with three women sharing the role of the store's Mrs Claus. Benz and her connection with Sutcliff is the primary focus, but the other two Mrs Clauses have their own subplots as well: broken home and the small town love vs big city ambition (once again, the Republican concept of the "real America" wins out). It's based on a book, but it's hardly literary, it's as predictable as they come, but what do you expect? Nausea factor moderate. Christmas factor high. MSG approved.