Our First Christmas

Going through the massive backlog of Christmas Cheddar, I've learned that there once was a time when Hallmark was more concerned with family drama than it is now. Case in point, this film from 2008. Widow Julie Warner (Doc Hollywood, Tommy Boy) and widower Steven Eckhold (a guy from tons of tv episodes in the 90's) meet and get married in a quickly rushed montage, then prepare for their first Christmas together. The two extended families meet, and soon everybody's miserable. Not because they don't get along, because the kids can't stop crying about their first holiday season without their dead parents and grandparents are stuck on their dead kids. TV veterans Dixie Carter and John Ratzenberger (who post Cheers has carved a comfortable niche in basic cable flicks) are on hand for support, but what starts with the appearance of lightheartedness but soon sinks under its heavy melodrama. Shut off after 30 minutes. Nausea factor high. Christmas factor moderate, but not moderate enough. Not MSG approved.

The Santa Switch

An out of work travel agent (Ethan Erickson, I'd never heard of him either) on the brink of divorce gets more than he bargained for when he angrily renounces Christmas and Santa Claus challenges him to do better. Next thing he knows, St Nick's left for a tropical vacation while Erickson had been given all his Christmas magic and and Bank of the North Pole credit card which somehow works with with all retailers big and small (there's a credit limit, Christmas magic doesn't extend as far as an American Express Platinum card apparently) and is charged with the task of getting the sled and toys ready for the Christmas eve flight. Using his ability to create snow, hot chocolate and candy canes with the wave of a hand, he proceeds to shit the bed by focusing on reconciling with his wife and winning the favor of his two estranged kids, while drawing the ire but helpful support of Santa's suit and bluetooth headset sporting head elf, played by Sean Astin. These Christmas movies don't focus on divorce very often, and the idea of winning back the Mrs and pulling his family back together is actually somewhat refreshing amid the sea of thigh sweating strangers. After spending most of his life in the movies and drawing praise for his part of one of cinema history's biggest franchise (Lord Of The Rings, if you've been hiding in a cave) Astin probably didn't expect to end up playing second fiddle in made for tv fare (evidently his career didn't get over the Fellowship Of The Ring Oscar snub, but no doubt it beats doing another Adam Sandler movie), but he gives it his all and ends up lending some good support. There's even an amusing nod to another faction of the holiday season when he says "Oye vais," explaining, "I'm part Chanukah Elf on my mother's side). Plus there's some amusing moments when Erickson uses his experience as a travel agent to plan the routes of Kris Kringle's sleigh ride. Santa is played by Donovan Scott, something of a reprise after taking on the role in Matchmaker Santa, though he's underutilized here. And anything with the guy who played the accountant obsessed with Ben on Parks And Recreation (a show who's connection slightly improves anything) can't be all that bad. Nausea factor moderate. Christmas factor high. MSG approved.

Northpole

Christmas is in trouble! When the world's lack of Christmas spirit threatens to derail the upcoming Yule time, a young elf from the elves's hometown of Northpole (Bailee Madison) sets out to save it. Finding a young boy (Max Charles) whose trying to bring the joy of the holiday to his new town, she believes if she helps him succeed, it will bring enough good cheer to save it for the entire world. Meanwhile, the boy's newspaper reporter mother (Tiffany Theissen) investigates a suspicious real estate deal and romances her son's teacher. Northpole was aggressively marketed by Hallmark with an ad campaign and merchandising before it premiered last year, and a sequel was announced as soon as it aired. With eyes to a franchise, Hallmark actually put some money into this one, with a CGI landscape and an elaborate street block set to create the titular setting. But still, this is not big budget Hollywood or even premium cable cinema, and the majority of the screen time is spend down on plain old earth. Madison has the elf in the real world combination of manic enthusiasm and naiveté act down, and works well with her human counterpart. The mystery element seems slightly out of place but has an interesting payoff. The romantic subplot plays out the way you would expect, but it's more of a minor element than usual, because the focus is on the kids' story. The concept of raising Christmas spirit to save the holiday has been done many times over, but it's a much more favorable choice over the same clichéd sexual tension tropes, and keeps things light and enjoyable. Not to mention, it's resolved in a much better way than having a department store clerk sing "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" on television (I'll say it, Elf was lame). Veteran actor Robert Wagner seems like an unusual choice to play Santa Claus, and to be honest, he's a little creepy. When will these people learn that humanizing Santa doesn't work? If he's not happy and laughing, he's just a scary, unkept old man who wants children to sit in his lap. At least his part is small, and may be some kind of inside joke, considering Mrs. Claus is played by his real life wife Jill St. John, so there's an ephemeral "Ah" factor for those who feel like going to imdb. Nausea factor moderate. Christmas factor high. MSG approved.

The Christmas Clause

More parallel lives. Veteran actress Lea Thompson stars as lawyer juggling work with three kids and a husband, who after a meltdown and a wish to a mall Santa, wakes up to a new life in which she's single and super successful. No surprise, she's also a bitch who's alienated all her friends and family, and almost immediately is trying to get her old life back. This is the same alternate reality play that's been done countless times, and this time there's not much wit or whimsy comparable to Christmas Cheddar. For something that presumes to be lighthearted, Thompson spends much of the movie crying, whining about getting back to her husband and kids. In and odd subplot, the Santa who grants her wish and guides her in her attepmts to reverse it ("return policy," he calls it) is implied to be a wiseguy who died in some kind of mob sting and is trying to fulfill a good deed to get into heaven. I'm sure many organized crime figures would be glad to know that wrongdoings can be reversed in the afterlife by snapping your fingers and listening to people whine about getting their old lives back for a couple of hours. How's that for giving? Except for his Santa costume, which he's only wearing the first time we see him, the date on the calendar and the presence of an occasional Christmas Tree, there's nothing seasonal about it. Nausea factor high. Christmas factor low. Not MSG approved.

Thomas Kinkade's Christmas Miracle

Not all Christmas Cheddar are romances, but that doesn't necessarily make them better. This film comes from Up, which is a faith based network, who's first forays into original programming were primarily dramatic (they're moving into Christmas fluff more recently and are getting pretty good at it). This one's most definitley a drama, about a group of strangers taking shelter in an abandoned church during the storm. There's a newlywed couple, bickering couple, divorced couple and a widower, working together, learning about themselves, learning about what's important, blah blah blah. Downer. Nothing wrong with that but a bunch of people in a room like a black box stage play just isn't holding my interest. Shut off after 50 minutes. Not MSG approved.

A Boyfriend For Christmas

The title of this one should have just sent me running for the hills, but I gave it a shot nonetheless. I was NOT rewarded. Plain jane Kelli Williams (The Practice) stars as a non-profit civil rights attorney (or something) who's been given a Christmas gift of a temporary "boyfriend" when Patrick Muldoon (from I have no idea) shows up at her house to deliver a Christmas tree and announces he's hers for the day. Thinking her friend has set this up, she goes along with it, trotting him around her family so they'll stop bugging her about her single status, dismissing any implication of male prostitution this may infer. Take a wild guess what happens to them next. There's not much Christmas about this; pretty much the only tie-in with the holiday is the tree lot Santa Claus played by Charles Durning, who like in hundreds of these things, is implied to be the real one (he's actually the one who sent Muldoon). Despite being known mostly for tough, grizzled and creepy characters, Durning actually makes a great Santa. But half the movie takes place after Christmas, so the damn season is over before your first bathroom break. What the hell's the point? All that's left is an irritating plot about an ex-boyfriend and the inevitable sexual tension. The best thing I can say about this is I noticed it came out in 2004, meaning it was transferred from SD to HD seamlessly. Or maybe I was too preoccupied with checking my texts to notice. And who the hell cares? Nausea factor high. Christmas factor low. MSG middle finger.

'Tis The Season For Love

The vomit inducing title should give you an idea of what to expect with this one. Chuck's Sarah Lancaster, now a Christmas Cheddar alumni after Fir Crazy  (and at one point walks through a Christmas Tree lot past a sign saying "Douglas Fir," which I don't think is a coincidence), plays a struggling New York City actress spending the holidays back in her little hometown. Hallmark seems to be running out of seasonal ideas, as this is a simply a vapid love story wrapped up in a Winter package. Although there's a Santa who may be real, a Christmas Pageant (very standard for this kind of stuff) and a fantasy element about dreaming about life after an alternate path, they're minor elements to the same old "choose between your old life of ambition and a new life of love" story. The ultimate outcome is obvious from the get go, and Hallmark is littered with lead characters who give up on their dreams, the message being there's nothing more important than love (blorch), ignoring that these small town characters are never the ones who chose to make the sacrifice. Is Hallmark following the conservative republican conceit that rural and small town life is the real America and cities are for phonies? I don't expect originality, but keep your politics out of it. Lancaster is a delight but it's not enough. Nausea factor high. Christmas factor low. MSG Middle finger.

Fir Crazy

Chuck's sister from "Chuck," Sarah Lancaster, loses her cushy marketing job and has to sell her family's Christmas Trees while the shop owner next door tries to shut her down. Like always, some town in Canada is the stand in for New York City, but at least they had the good sense to bumper scenes with b-rolls of Manhattan, although I could have done without the best friend's shameful attempt at a Brooklyn accent, which I can't tell if it's supposed to remind us we're in NYC or that the leading lady has a jewish friend. Who's Line Is It Anyway?'s Colin Mochrie makes a surprisingly effect straight foil as the Scrooge-like antagonist and there's a few solid laughs. Of course there's a romantic subplot but who the hell cares. Sarah Lancaster and Christmas trees, you can't go wrong. An MSG fav.

Snow Bride

A gossip columnist wrangles her way into the lives of a prestigious political family, posing as the eldest son's current flame. It's pretty obvious where the two of them are going, so there's really no point in sitting through this whole thing. The token familiar face is Home Improvement's Patricia Richardson as the badass family matriarch, but it's a pretty small part, and look out for National Lampoon Vacation's Dana Barron (the original and imho best Audrey) in a role that also deserves to be bigger. Nausea factor high. Christmas factor low, like the worst of them, it just happens to be December. Not MSG approved.

Meet The Santas

Not many Christmas Cheddar films are granted sequels, so in that sense, this followup to Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus is somewhat unique, but that's pretty much where any distinction ends. Picking up where the last film left off, the happy couple is now planning their wedding. This is your basic Meet The Parents, Monster-In-Law flick; Crystal Bernard's mother, played by the evidently still working Mariette Hartley, smugly imposes her will on everything, while Mommy and Daddy Claus are on hand to act weird and elicit stares and odd looks. Guttenberg's Kinder Claus shtick is starting to get annoying, as he constantly laughs in an irritating rapid fire, "Hohohohohohohoho!" just so we know he's on his way to saying "Ho ho ho!" but he's not quite there yet. But it's pleasant enough, Armin Shimmerman has more to do this time and he steps up, and there's Christmas decorations everywhere. Nausea factor moderately low (they've already hooked up). Christmas factor moderately high. MSG approved, but thank god there's no #3.

Christmas Under Wraps

If this one seems predictable it's because, like many of these, you've seen it before. This seems obvious, it is a TV Christmas movie after all. But this one is essentially Doc Hollywood with a gender switch crossed with Northern Exposure. Full House alum Candice Cameron Burke, who like Lacy Chabert, Dean Cain and others, has carved an entire career out of tv movies, plays a San Fransisco doctor who begrudgingly accepts a fellowship (Doc Hollywood) in a town in Alaska (Northern Exposure) that's so tiny, she's the only physician (Dog Hollywood and Northern Exposure).  The town has a "shipping" business that seems to be at it's busiest around the holidays. With citizens seen with toy making tools, reindeers not uncommon and jolly white bearded patriarch (a good turn from Brian Doyle-Murray), it's pretty obvious what's going on there. Featuring the obligatory romance, the nausea factor is moderate, but so is the Christmas factor, and I was able to make it through to the end. MSG approved (if barely).

Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus

There's dozens of movies about Santa's offspring (Kinder Claus, let's call them) seeking love in the real world, and this is most definitely, one of them. This time it's Steve Guttenberg (don't stop reading yet) as Santa's son Nick, because everyone related to Santa must named either Nick or Kris so that we won't forget who they are.  Wings alum Crystal Bernard is the sought lady in question. As per usual, she's a single mom, dead husband. Standard stuff, but Bernard is always pleasant and Guttenberg harnesses his juvenile Officer Mahoney persona into something likable that's more childlike than childish. Ex-Star Trek DS9 Quark Armin Shimmerman is on hand without makeup, if you missed his Seinfeld episode and always wondered what he looks like. Nausea factor moderate. Christmas factor high. MSG approved.

Twelve Trees Of Christmas

My future wife (in my dreams) Lindy Booth, ironically fresh off her role as Night Bitch in Kick-Ass 2, is positively radiant and the clear highlight in this tale of a librarian out to save her library from demolition at the hands of a real estate developer by organizing a Christmas Tree decorating contest. Wait, what? Yes, Christmas is magical, so much that a bunch of trees can somehow save a library. The odd thing is that the developer's case for replacing the library with whatever they're building actually sounds quite reasonable, they even arrange new jobs for all the employees. But Lindy goes ON and ON and ON about the power of books, the beauty of books and the joy of holding a book. This might have seemed reasonable 10-15 years ago, but in the increasingly paperless age of tablets and eReaders it all sounds kind of ridiculous. The power of holding a book? Get a fucking kindle, you can hold a thousand books. There's the obligatory romance, naturally with one of the real estate developers, so enemies become friends, then friends become, well not lovers, because as per usual, the inevitable pairing doesn't happen until the 1:55 mark. Presumably, they're off to fuck as the credits are rolling (hopefully, for the guy's sake). The winter imagery and Christmas Trees bring the Christmas factor up to moderate, and, well, Lindy Booth. And look out for Scary Spice in a bit role. Nausea factor moderate. Christmas factor moderately high. MSG approved.

The Christmas Consultant

This one is nothing short of batshit crazy. The David Hasselhoff stars (not kidding) as an event planner (stay with me) hired by a busy marketing executive (Caroline Rhea, last seen in god knows what) to organize her family's Christmas leading up to a Christmas Eve party intended to land an important client. Where the fuck to I even start? Critics said the Hoff was miscast, but what is a Christmas Consultant supposed to look like? That's the whole genius of it, the guy who drove KITT and ran down the beach is all dressed up in red and green, down to glasses and suspenders. Everything he does over the top, down to the acting, in which his inflections sound like a department store Santa on crystal meth. Along the way he's making candy cane martinis, taking the kids caroling with speakers and megaphones and simulating sleigh rides in the garage. The characters barely act like sane human beings, epitomized when Caroline nearly ruins her life because she's a little peeved she didn't get a thank you for doing pretty much nothing. Quite simply, this movie doesn't give a fuck how ridiculous it is and except for fleeting and predictable attempt at depth near the end, it never takes itself seriously. And that girl is NOT playing the guitar at the end. I mean, for fuck's sake, look at that picture. Nausea factor low. Christmas factor off the scale (it's in practically every frame). MSG approved, no apologies.

A Cookie Cutter Christmas

It seems like too easy and cheap a shot to say this is a perfectly fitting title but truer words were never spoken. The main plot centers around a cookie baking contest, not exactly intriguing enough to distract from the familiar plot of the main character's budding romance with a widowed single parent, this time, dead wife. There's the usual breakup with 15 minutes to go to setup the reconciliation 5-10 minutes later. Nausea factor moderately high. Christmas factor low. Not MSG approved.

Matchmaker Santa

Lacy Chabert, no doubt still reeling from walking away from Family Guy money, has become the queen of made for tv sentiment fests (Christian Mingle The Movie, really?) and Christmas Cheddar in particular. This one is yet again a girl-with-the-wrong-man movie, this one separates itself by having Santa Claus acting like some kind jubilant angel, using all sorts a magic to push her towards mr right. Pure crap January to October, during holiday season it's made tolerable by the continuous presence of Santa and it's pro-Christmas small town setting, plus there's another celebrity I thought was dead or at least retired in Florence Henderson and some genuine laughs (watch out for the scene with the bear in driveway). Nausea factor moderately high. Christmas factor moderately high. MSG approved for the season, but just barely.

A Very Merry Mix-Up

Blorch. Alicia Witt can't save this hackneyed "Girl dating douchebag meets the man who's actually right for her and they skirt around each other until she finally wrings her panties out, dumps the fucktard and hooks up with Mr Right two minutes before the credits roll." Christmas is immaterial, it just happens to take place in December, meaning it's good for nothing except purging poison from your stomach. Watched it last year, tried again and could barely withstand 20 minutes. Nausea factor high. Christmas factor low. MSG Middle Finger.

Help For The Holidays

Summer Glau already looks like an elf so this gets points for casting right off the bat, and her pixie energy helps make the familiar "mythical being in the real world which is strange and confusing to them," plotline more digestible. It's an uphill battle considering the predicable, nausea inducing obligatory romance and the all too familiar parental neglect motifs, so good thing Summer can hold it together to make it good holiday viewing (and per usual, impossible to take the rest of the year). Nausea factor moderate. Christmas factor high. MSG Approved.

Christmas at Cartwright's

Redhead goddess Alicia Witt is becoming increasingly ubiquitous in the Christmas Cheddar rotation, and this one is not as good at Snow Globe Christmas but better than A Very Merry Mix-Up. This time out she's playing an out of work single mom hiding her gender to work as a department store Santa. There's great support from Wallace Shawn, who until I saw this last year I thought was dead. Hits all the by numbers points, nausea factor moderate and Christmas factor is high. MSG Approved.