Rocky Mountain Christmas

Redheaded machine of hotness Lindy Booth (Kick Ass 2, The Librarians) returns to cheddar land for a fourth go around, this time as a Manhattan interior designer who gets dumped by some fucking imbecile, and responds the ONLY way a Hallmark Channel woman can to a break up: heads home to the tiny town where she grew up, to clear her head or something. You know how many people in New York City are originally from a major city? It's in the minority, so if everyone had to fly back to Mayberry each time their love life hit a speed bump, the place would be half-abandoned at any given point and the city's economy would probably collapse. The Whoville in this instance in in the titular region, where her Uncle (Treat Williams) owns a tourist ranch. Then along comes a famous Hollywood actor, played by a nobody Hollywood actor who probably doesn't appreciate the irony, who wants to learn the ranch life for an upcoming role. She teaches him to ride horses, chop wood and clean up horse shit (ok, that's not shown, but if you've ever been around a horse stable, you know that stuff doesn't fade away by Christmas magic), he helps her with the town Christmas parade, sparks fly, and nature takes its predictable course. The small town conceit isn't in full effect but it's present, there's the love triangle, Christmas tree decorating, etc. This is actually a Hallmark Movies and Mysteries film, but this is basic holiday rom-com territory. The only real difference is her widowed uncle, which again, is still in line with basic Hallmark Channel conventions, but like other less dramatic Hallmark M&M films, the dead wife is referenced one too many times to land a spot in the Hallmark big league. That aside, this is still lightheaded enough, Christmas factor is relatively high and the nausea factor doesn't go above standard. Plus it's got Redheaded machine of hotness Lindy Booth, who gets to rebound from her last cheddar flick, the Not MSG Approved Sound of Christmas (which was nearly scene for scene for scene rehash of her first Christmas flick, Lifetime's MSG Approved 12 Trees of Christmas, which even went so far as to cast the same actor as the lead male). MSG Approved.

Four Christmases and a Wedding

Arielle Kebbel is one of those actresses you've swear you've seen before but can't place where, even after checking her imdb page. Generic enough, she's still has enough charm to drive this yarn from Lifetime about an event planner and the guy she can never quite git wit year after year. Meanwhile there's a love triangle, a divorced sister, and a niece who doesn't age a day in four years and may be undead a la Kirsten Dunst in Interview With The Vampire. Don't worry, things work out for everyone, including the little vampire, who seems fine walking around during the day. Fans of Christmas Cheddar may be amused by what's either a meta reference or shameless cross promotion, when the gang sits down to watch the fair's nightly movie under the stars and it's the Lifetime Christmas Cheddar flick Dear Santa (MSG Approved, check for the review a few weeks ago), upon which Kebble declares, "Oh I love this movie!" Sharp fans will also recognize the film being screened in another scene as 2015's Becoming Santa. Christmas factor is moderately high, and the absence of a villain makes the nausea factor less annoying. MSG Approved.

A Very Merry Toy Store

Competing toy stores team up to fight the big chain threatening to put an end to them both. Enemies become friends, friends become lovers, former teen actors get work, Brian Dennehy pops up for good measure and gets to keep his SAG health insurance. For a movie that revolves around 3 competing toy stores, the Christmas Factor is surprisingly low. There's nothing here to really elevate the material, in fact the best part is the character of Hart's brother in the arch-typical "dumb guy role." When an alleged romantic-comedy needs a comedy-relief, it's not a good sign. Not MSG approved.

A Christmas Reunion

When I said the small-town anti-capitalist conceit wasn't a concern with Lifetime as it is for Hallmark, I may have spoke too soon. I forgot about this crapfest from 2015, or maybe I was trying to wipe it from my memory. Denise Richards' life as an city exec is upended when she inherits her aunt's bakery in the bumblefuck town she grew up in. Fellow Starship Trooper Patrick Muldoon is on hand to remind her every five fucking minutes that it's her obligation to give up everything she's spent her life working for just because she was named in a relative's will. Muldoon, who did solid support work in the MSG Approved A Dogwalker's Christmas Tale and All About Christmas Eve, cannot carry a movie, and stinks up the joint worse than he did in the MSG Middle Finger A Boyfriend for Christmas. Although when playing a character who's delusionally clinging to the idea that no one in their right mind ever moves in their life, no amount of acting talent can save that. After demanding that Richards not return to her home, her job, her life in the city for the umpteenth time, she says, "It's where I live." He says, "It's not where you're from." I said, "FUUUUuuuuuuuUUUUUUUCK you!!!" MSG Middle Finger. Hell, make it two.

Dear Santa

"The two of you plowed snow together. That's one step away from, well, plowing." 
And that's the moment from this film where I learned there's actually a significant difference between Lifetime and Hallmark Christmas Cheddar. When Lifetime takes its yearly December break from movies about women stabbing each other, they offer Holiday fare that carries TV PG ratings vs Hallmark's G. Less family friendly usually means less inane, plus the small town anti-capitalist conceit is not a priority for them. This one starts off with a questionable premise of a spoiled shopaholic who's cut off from the family cash flow and appears to be in search of a meal ticket, at least until it leads her into volunteering in soup kitchen which brings her down to earth. There's the usual falling for the single dad, bonding with the child and a love triangle. Positives, a script with, as previously indicated, some sharp zingers, and a moderate amount of Christmas factor, but it's really Amy Acker that makes this watchable. MSG approved.

Twelve Trees Of Christmas

My future wife (in my dreams) Lindy Booth, ironically fresh off her role as Night Bitch in Kick-Ass 2, is positively radiant and the clear highlight in this tale of a librarian out to save her library from demolition at the hands of a real estate developer by organizing a Christmas Tree decorating contest. Wait, what? Yes, Christmas is magical, so much that a bunch of trees can somehow save a library. The odd thing is that the developer's case for replacing the library with whatever they're building actually sounds quite reasonable, they even arrange new jobs for all the employees. But Lindy goes ON and ON and ON about the power of books, the beauty of books and the joy of holding a book. This might have seemed reasonable 10-15 years ago, but in the increasingly paperless age of tablets and eReaders it all sounds kind of ridiculous. The power of holding a book? Get a fucking kindle, you can hold a thousand books. There's the obligatory romance, naturally with one of the real estate developers, so enemies become friends, then friends become, well not lovers, because as per usual, the inevitable pairing doesn't happen until the 1:55 mark. Presumably, they're off to fuck as the credits are rolling (hopefully, for the guy's sake). The winter imagery and Christmas Trees bring the Christmas factor up to moderate, and, well, Lindy Booth. And look out for Scary Spice in a bit role. Nausea factor moderate. Christmas factor moderately high. MSG approved.

The Christmas Consultant

This one is nothing short of batshit crazy. The David Hasselhoff stars (not kidding) as an event planner (stay with me) hired by a busy marketing executive (Caroline Rhea, last seen in god knows what) to organize her family's Christmas leading up to a Christmas Eve party intended to land an important client. Where the fuck to I even start? Critics said the Hoff was miscast, but what is a Christmas Consultant supposed to look like? That's the whole genius of it, the guy who drove KITT and ran down the beach is all dressed up in red and green, down to glasses and suspenders. Everything he does over the top, down to the acting, in which his inflections sound like a department store Santa on crystal meth. Along the way he's making candy cane martinis, taking the kids caroling with speakers and megaphones and simulating sleigh rides in the garage. The characters barely act like sane human beings, epitomized when Caroline nearly ruins her life because she's a little peeved she didn't get a thank you for doing pretty much nothing. Quite simply, this movie doesn't give a fuck how ridiculous it is and except for fleeting and predictable attempt at depth near the end, it never takes itself seriously. And that girl is NOT playing the guitar at the end. I mean, for fuck's sake, look at that picture. Nausea factor low. Christmas factor off the scale (it's in practically every frame). MSG approved, no apologies.