Christmas at Pemberly Manor

Android eyed Christmas Cheddar lifer Jessica Lowndes, and professional recurring character Michael Rady (previously seen on Hallmark in Joyous Christmas and Christmas in Homestead, MSG approved and MSG Fav respectively), front this one, about an up and coming event planner and the uptight business magnate the script throws her together with. She's got a demanding boss who's made it clear that her job depends on the small town Christmas festival she's assigned her to organize. He's ready to sell his childhood mansion when a conveniently timed water main break destroys the town square and has her begging to use his house for the festivities. He refuses, then relents, they bond, yada yada yada. The one twist here is the town mayor's an old friend of Lowndes' who evidently never quite got over being friend-zoned in college, and consequently becomes the third corner in the love triangle. The eventual winner of Lowndes' affections isn't particularly hard to guess, we all know who the male with the top billing is. But the instigator of the romantic obstacle in 95% of these things is a major league douchebag who deserves his eventual fate, not the well intentioned platonic buddy who becomes a chump and will be off to watch Christmas movies and sip Peppermint Mochas while he tries hard to not dwell on his failure during the most wonderful time of the year. This aside, the leads handle their roles well and the recurring Christmas gala planning makes the Christmas factor a constant. MSG Approved, just try to forget about the lonesome loser.

Love You Like Christmas

High powered Manhattan marketing exec (Bonnie Somerville, tv vet and star of the MSG Approved A Holiday Engagement) gets serendipitously stuck in tiny town and meets the obligatory single dad. The name of the town? Christmas Valley. Single dad's occupation? Christmas tree farmer. What landed her there? A combination of car trouble and a reindeer strategically placed on the road, perfectly positioned so as to cause a crash major enough to damage the car, but minor enough to keep our heroine from getting injured and keeping the com in rom-com intact. If you're from a big city and you happen to traveling in the vicinity of any town named after Christmas, Santa Claus, or anything remotely holiday related in the month of December, check the GPS and take a fucking detour, because evidently these places are like Yuletide Bermuda Triangles, just ready to lure unsuspecting city folk in, where the small town conceit is ready to brainwash them, destroying any chance of escape. If they do get out, it's only long enough to see how awful the city life they knew really is. The town knows you'll be back. THEY'LL ALWAYS BE BACK, MWAH HA HA HAAAAAA!!! So we know what's going to happen, and it doesn't help that lead male Brennan Elliott, who's been in a number of these thing, is a pretty creepy motherfucker (just look at the picture there), and his daughter, who may be a pretty sweet kid, is evidently so in need of a maternal figure that she obsessively stalks Somerville and talks about her non stop. Whether she's on her way to becoming a emotionally present benefactor herself or a serial killer is up to our imaginations, but for right now, she's ready and available to pitch in as the stranded Somerville uses her marketing savvy to sell daddy's Christmas trees and save the farm, which is naturally on the brink of foreclosure. Wouldn't be a small town business in a Hallmark movie if it didn't need saving. The progressively perceived evil of Somerville's city life is excruciating, and this would be a total washout if the Christmas tree subplot didn't kick in during the film's second act. Nausea factor's pretty high, not so much for the romantic schmaltz, but more for the Republican small town conceit.  But the tree marketing subplot boosts the Christmas factor, and that combined with Somerville's presence, makes the whole thing worthwhile in the end. There's a also a Christmas themed diner, owned by a woman named Holly. Where would we be without Christmas pun names? MSG Approved.

Rocky Mountain Christmas

Redheaded machine of hotness Lindy Booth (Kick Ass 2, The Librarians) returns to cheddar land for a fourth go around, this time as a Manhattan interior designer who gets dumped by some fucking imbecile, and responds the ONLY way a Hallmark Channel woman can to a break up: heads home to the tiny town where she grew up, to clear her head or something. You know how many people in New York City are originally from a major city? It's in the minority, so if everyone had to fly back to Mayberry each time their love life hit a speed bump, the place would be half-abandoned at any given point and the city's economy would probably collapse. The Whoville in this instance in in the titular region, where her Uncle (Treat Williams) owns a tourist ranch. Then along comes a famous Hollywood actor, played by a nobody Hollywood actor who probably doesn't appreciate the irony, who wants to learn the ranch life for an upcoming role. She teaches him to ride horses, chop wood and clean up horse shit (ok, that's not shown, but if you've ever been around a horse stable, you know that stuff doesn't fade away by Christmas magic), he helps her with the town Christmas parade, sparks fly, and nature takes its predictable course. The small town conceit isn't in full effect but it's present, there's the love triangle, Christmas tree decorating, etc. This is actually a Hallmark Movies and Mysteries film, but this is basic holiday rom-com territory. The only real difference is her widowed uncle, which again, is still in line with basic Hallmark Channel conventions, but like other less dramatic Hallmark M&M films, the dead wife is referenced one too many times to land a spot in the Hallmark big league. That aside, this is still lightheaded enough, Christmas factor is relatively high and the nausea factor doesn't go above standard. Plus it's got Redheaded machine of hotness Lindy Booth, who gets to rebound from her last cheddar flick, the Not MSG Approved Sound of Christmas (which was nearly scene for scene for scene rehash of her first Christmas flick, Lifetime's MSG Approved 12 Trees of Christmas, which even went so far as to cast the same actor as the lead male). MSG Approved.

Christmas Next Door

Christmas hating, greazy looking author of bachelor lifestyle books (the still alive John Tucker, aka Jess Metcalfe) is forced to find the formula for holiday cheer when he gets stuck watching his little niece and nephew as December 25th approaches. Fortunately, his spunky, violin toting neighbor bleeds red and green (Fiona Gubleman of "Wilfred"), and she's more than happy to share her holiday mojo to give the kids the Christmas they want, and turn Uncle Scrooge's attitude 180 degrees in the process. As stupid a detail is, it's called Christmas Next Door, but she doesn't live next door, she lives two doors down. I guess Christmas Two Doors Down doesn't have as good a ring to it. But the thing I keep wondering was, why would they make it a point to get the age-comparable man and woman off on the wrong foot by having them perturbed by each other's noise, as if they're separated by thin walls, when in fact there's an entire house between them. But it's a Hallmark Christmas movie and the physics of sound waves don't mean a god damn thing. What's more important is the mathematics of the love triangle. We all know who's gonna win out, especially when our pixie girl's rival is a lifer bachelorette who seems to hate kids. And these kids aren't going anywhere: they say never work with animals or children because they'll get all the attention, and truer words were never spoken than evidenced here. These kids steal every scene as they show uncle slickback the December what's what, draw Gubleman into his life, and drive the nemesis ice maiden insane. This the most laugh out loud Christmas Cheddar flick in recent memory, Christmas factor is off the scale, and Gubleman and the kids rock the house. Totally excellent and tied for the top spot of Hallmark's 2017 Countdown to Christmas. An MSG fav.

Sharing Christmas

Beautiful young owner of a Manhattan year round Christmas shop (Ellen Hollman, also seen in the MSG approved A Perfect Christmas List) faces eviction and finds romance with the representative of the real estate firm trying to force her out. How does that happen? He shows a little sympathy, the Hallmark Channel logo pops up in the bottom right corner and sparks fly. That happen in the real world? Probably not, but in Christmas Cheddar land it happens a lot (12 Trees of Christmas, Sound of Christmas, etc.). Naturally, no one gives a crap about reality in these things. First of all, again, this looks nothing like New York City, that is a very suburban looking block that's supposedly leading to our main setting, even the b-roll of the building's exterior is a shopping center in Colorado or someplace out west, according to what I read. They do actually have several shops like this here in Manhattan, but you ever been to one? The employees do not look like that, otherwise I might have found love while I was out shopping for an angel tree topper (I did not). In fact the most realistic thing about this movie is sunken look on Hollman's face when the realtor helping her find a possible new location tells her Manhattan's too expensive but she has some affordable properties in Jersey City, I had the same look of exhaustion and despair when my temp to perm freelance gig ended before the perm part kicked in. But the urban fantasy land is nothing we haven't seen before, and even if the plot isn't either, the yule sated boutique makes a fitting seasonal backdrop, and Hollman, while she may not have the energetic spunk of some of our better leads, is charismatic enough to carry the film. Bobby Campo does exactly what he did in the MSG Fav My Christmas Love, likably grin through the whole thing and managing to not look wooden or creepy. And it never hurts to have Hallmark's in-house milf Cynthia Gibb playing the tough but fair high-powered woman behind the man on hand. When are they gonna give her her own movie? She's still hot enough in my book. Christmas factor high, nausea factor moderate. MSG approved, and near the top of Hallmark's 2017 offerings.

Christmas Getaway

Raven haired beauty Bridget Regan leaves her John Wick arm and neck tattoos behind and returns to Christmas Cheddar territory after starring in 2015's MSG Approved Magic Stocking. That one was relegated to the Hallmark Movies & Mysteries channel, where the Hallmark executives drop the films that are either more dramatic or, are not all that different from flagship Hallmark Channel's romcom's but make one too many references to the dead wife or husband to be considered entirely lighthearted. It also upped the ante by specifying the husband's unfortunate demise in a car accident while on his way to buy their daughter the dog she wanted. A little big too heavy for brain checking escapism, but this is raven haired beauty Bridget Regan we're talking about.
Thank goodness we can drop that one from our December viewing after 2017 offered a much better alternative in the pop-friendly entry Christmas Getaway. Turns out Regan is actually a redheaded land-locked siren who let the back dye fade in time to play a travel writer who ends up latching on to a single dad and his daughter (a conveniently double-booked yule time cabin, gee, how the hell did that happen?) on their quest to fulfill all the items on her Christmas to do list (they keep calling it a "bucket list," so guys, don't forget that term means things to do before you die, we don't want to kick Regan back to Movies & Mysteries again). They say redheads are like other women, only more so, so if you're like me and have a weakness for Irish girls, look no further. If that's not you, well I'm happy to report that all the items on the obligatory "call casting and get us a sweet, adorable kid's" list drive the plot to hit all the Christmas bulletpoints: ice skating, cutting down and decorating a tree, gingerbread house contest, etc. Plus the usual Hallmark motifs are in full effect: snowed in, small town local customs, bonding with the love interest's child, saying, "It's not a date," (which is like the "Where's Waldo" of Christmas Cheddar scripts) and other conventions we've come to expect. Reagan's The Last Ship costar Travis Van Winkle (don't watch that show so never heard of him before, had to look that up) plays the lead male with an actual personality, and the inclusion of a 60's soul classic (licensing songs you actually know is not unheard of but pretty rare) anchors a surprisingly poignant climax. The result is Hallmark's best offering of 2017's Countdown to Christmas (or at least tied with Christmas Next Door, more on that later) and a must for your rotation, whether you love redheads or not. An MSG Fav.

Switched for Christmas

It's December so of course it's time for the Mother of the Countdown To Christmas Holy Trinity, Candace Cameron Buré. Here she plays twins who switch places: one a suburban schoolteacher and the other a city exec. They're both planning Christmas celebrations so the Christmas factor is moderate, and there's a breezy, casual atmosphere courtesy of director Lee Friedlander, probably the only Christmas Cheddar director who deserves credit for actually directing a movie (she helmed the MSG Fav A Gift Wrapped Christmas). A movie about planning a holiday party and Christmas fair should be more steeped in December imagery, but the nausea factor doesn't rise over moderate, and while the small town seems to be favored, the big city is not entirely dismissed. Not sure if I'd watch it again but after the crappy ones I tried to watch yesterday I'm feeling generous. MSG approved.

A Gift to Remember

Amnesia is not an uncommon plot point in Christmas Cheddar: last year there was the MSG Approved "A Christmas To Remember" (note the nearly identical name) with Mira Sorvino and this year's Not MSG Approved and as I pointed out, morally questionable "Second Chance Christmas." In this one our leading lady actually causes the problem when she runs over a random stranger with her bicycle. Hilarity doesn't ensue, it's more of mystery as they try to piece together his identity. Weird thing is he doesn't seem to mind that this girl nearly killed him or that he doesn't know who the fuck he is. He grins and smirks thought the whole movie, amid the clues and revelations. It's really creepy; if this was Lifetime and January though November the guy would probably turn out to be a serial killer. There's a Christmas Eve book store event and some holiday decorations but the Christmas factor's too low to overcome a leading man whom you can't decide whether to punch in the face or run for your life from. Not MSG Approved.

With Love, Christmas

An advertising creative tries to subtly learn more about her Secret Santa recipient while they work on a cell phone campaign. She loves Christmas, he hates it. Add a side dish of his cold relationship with his father and her anonymous email address which starts as a way of gathering gift preference info and turns into one long cybertherapy session. The biggest surprise is here is the placement of the last minute obstacle is somewhat against the grain. It’s hardly a Shymalan twist but the slightest deviation from the formula is noticeable, in a good way. Christmas factor high. MSG Approved.

Every Christmas Has a Story

Leading up to its premier last year, Hallmark played up the fact that its two leads characters were ex-flames. I almost skipped it but gave it a shot; fortunately that angle was a mere subplot played up to promote to their year round audience. Viewers like me just looking for a Yuletide escape are welcome, this is more of a lost Christmas Spirit tale coupled with a mystery. Fluff morning show host Lori Laughlin (who’s also turning into a Christmas Cheddar lifer, 2015’s Northpole: Open For Christmas is MSG Approved) lets it slip on the air that she hates Christmas. It’s not as bad as Sue Simmons saying, “What the fuck are you doing?” (google it) but it’s enough for the network to replace her Christmas vacation with an assignment in a tiny Christmas themed town that’s offered to help bring her Christmas spirit back. It’s a gateway to high Christmas factor plot and the romantic nausea factor doesn’t really step in until the end, when the characters essentially declare, “Oh btw, now that the adventure’s over, I love you, just thought I’d mention it.” Throw in an estranged father, because it’s Hallmark so why the hell not? MSG Approved.

Coming Home for Christmas

Wonder Years alum, math genius and author (seriously, look it up) Danica McKellar is turning into a Christmas Cheddar lifer with round number four here, after the Not MSG Approved "Crown For Christmas," the MSG Approved "My Christmas Dream." and "Love At The Christmas Table (didn't see it). This one's very similar to the bevy of "spunky American works her way into the hearts of stuffy British Royalty" films like "Princess For Christmas" (w/Katie "eaten by a dinosaur" McGrath, MSG Approved), "A Royal Christmas" (w/holy trinity Daughter Lacey Chabert - Not MSG Approved) and her own aforementioned "Crown For Christmas." The twist here is we're still in the USA, so the royals are replaced with wealthy aristocratic Americans in a mansion instead of a castle. As their new House Manager, she's tasked with planning the Christmas gala, which potentially could have been tacked on at the end but becomes a running subplot throughout. There's also a love triangle but the A story is a dysfunctional family bonding through their shared love of the newcomer. It's a common story but welcoming when the romance is resigned to the B plot. We all probably go through the same shit except we're not billionaires, but imagine 87 more rooms in the house where you grew up and you just might relate. Bonus points for the inclusion of Chelan Simmons from the tv remake of "Carrie" that only I seem to remember (you may have seen her getting fried in a tanning bed in "Final Destination 3"). Christmas factor high. MSG approved.

Enchanted Christmas

Former Spy Kid turned Machette Kills vixen Alexa PenaVega lands in Christmas Cheddar land as a hotel development Project Manager who's latest assignment just happens to be back in her hometown, at a hotel that just happens to be where she danced in the yearly Christmas show as a kid, which now just happens to be directed by her ex-flame. The PM for this production obviously was working off the trusty template (it's what we do) because all the steps are in the timeline: the widowed lead, the small town, the Christmas deadline, the former boyfriend, the single parent’s child the potential beau bonds with, the current boyfriend who turns into a douche, the loud conversation on the cell phone out in the open that gives away the antagonist's treachery, the sudden opportunity with the immediate deadline that forced the lead to choose between career and love, and the lifelong ambitions that fall by the wayside. Why can't the powers that be just wait two fucking days so our heroes don't have to make a Sophie's choice with their life paths? Real life husband Carlos PenaVega is likable as the lead male, and Alexa is indeed enchanting, but the Christmas factor is way too low, despite the big Christmas gala at the end. Better than I expected, but not MSG approved.

Finding Santa

After a good supporting role in the MSG approved Defending Santa, Full/Fuller House’s Jodie Sweetin follows tv sister Candace Cameron Bure’s footsteps and graduates to a Christmas Cheddar lead role. As the owner of a year-round holiday shop, she’s also the head planner of the yearly Christmas parade in her, as per usual, little town. How little? When their Santa Claus breaks his arm, there’s isn’t a single man in the entire town who can take over. In the ENTIRE TOWN, except for the mayor’s son, who’s a major league asshole (played with huge douchbag zest by some guy I hope gets some well-earned work from this). So it’s off to the big city to find the Santa actor’s son, who’s genetic disposition to harness his inner jolly is the only thing that can save the town. Literally, one of the major points they let us know is the town’s economy relies on tourism , which relies on the parade. In other words, if this guy doesn’t play old St Nick it will destroy the town like Carrie on prom night. Wow, there’s a lot riding on this. No surprises, but it is a Christmas heavy plot line and Sweetin bears the mantle well. MSG approved.

The Perfect Christmas Present

Two years ago both Hallmark and Lifetime ran Christmas movies about personal shoppers (the MSG Approved “12 Gifts of Christmas” and the far superior MSG Fav “A Gift-Wrapped Christmas” respectively, which I'll get to later). Hallmark had a brunette, Lifetime had a blonde, now Hallmark Movies & Mysteries channel has a novel approach to its lead character: a man! Basically, guy finds clients the perfect gift for their intendees, specializing in Christmas (earning him the nickname Mr Christmas, which would have been a better title but might have clashed with Hallmark's Miss Christmas, which I'll also get to) via a questionnaire and savvy research. But a last minute request from a corporate client who's basically too self-absorbed to give a shit, forces him to be more proactive and essentially stalk the woman in question, leading to the inevitable meeting. Basically he's a G rated version of Matt Dillon in There's Something About Mary, maybe he's not as aggressive about it and there's no cumshots to the ear but we are teetering on a morality fence. Most importantly, this could happened January through November they could have called called it The Perfect Birthday Present and it would have been 98% identical; a Christmas themed fundraiser at the end is too little too late. Not MSG approved.

A Song for Christmas

Country pop star gets stuck in the obligatory tiny town, is practically adopted instantly by a local family. Apparently all it takes is asking to borrow a phone for 30 seconds and the next thing you know they’re inviting you over for dinner then insisting you stay overnight, which sounds a little too much like a cult kidnapping to me. There’s a son who plays guitar and a whole bunch of romantic tension and country music. I nearly shut this off seven minutes in when Johnny Joe Jim-Bob starts strumming a hillbilly riff at the local gas station, but it was getting late and I didn’t want to start over with another movie before going to bed, I had work in the morning. I didn’t really care about those two but there’s a more engaging subplot about the teenage daughter’s plans to save the family farm before the bank forecloses (yes, it’s one of those). City life's not immune to criticism, as soon as we meet mom and dad we learn mom's a city transplant who met country dad and fell head over heels, referring to herself as a, "reformed city girl," as if she'd overcome a self-destructive affliction. In a way, this is kind of an unofficial sequel to 90% of the Hallmark Christmas cheddar, so I guess we no longer need to wonder about what actually happens to these couples 20 years down the road. As for the film itself, it's supposed be more dramatic but the persistence of light-hearted quips give this the appearance of a rom-com not funny enough to earn the com. Christmas factor is moderately high but would I watch it again? Probably not. Not MSG approved, but I kind of feel bad about it. Let's say it gets 2 1/2 Christmas Trees, add a half if country music doesn't get on your nerves.

Marry Me at Christmas

Fortunately for we the humble viewers, this is not about a woman who's getting married (that title is a bit deceptive, or grammatically incorrect, however you want to look at it). It's about a woman planning a wedding for her new best friend whom she met five minutes after the opening credits were done, because even platonic friendships move quickly in cheddar land. The man in question is the bride to be's brother, who happens to be a famous movie star. I've always wondered what it must be like to be an actor pretending to be a far more successful version of yourself, I'd imagine it'd be a hard set of mental keys to return after shooting raps. At least he's the city boy and she's the bumpkin, and the most memorable sequence is when he asks if the town has a gym and say says no, "We just hike up the mountains, do pull-ups on the tree branches, swim in the lake, boom, that's your gym," before letting him off the hook and telling him, "The gym's down the block. We're not cavemen." It's pleasant enough, Christmas imagery is a constant and the curly-q'd Rachel Skarsten makes an appealing lead. MSG approved.

Christmas Land

The title says it all. After playing the best friend in Golden Christmas 3, Nikki Deloach (the mom from Awkward) gets her first Christmas Cheddar lead. This is the same big city girl in the small rustic town, but this time it's a Christmas themed tourist attraction she's inherited, which creates a high Christmas factor setting. In case we forget the small town is better, her suitor in the little hamlet is the local lawyer, who rejected the corporate life to provide legal council to gingerbread cookie bakers and Christmas tree sellers. Thanks to an only in tv coincidence, he went to law school with her current suit and tie beau, who says his jeans and flannel counterpart had a "reputation." The meaning of this is never explained, the look on his face implies that maybe he banged lots of co-eds, or it's just academic jealously, we'll never know. Our heroine is ready to just sell for a profit, then decides to fix it up first, and you can pretty much guess the rest. All the while, Hallmark's prejudice is in full force as the lumberjack barrister bad mouths cities at every turn. Even the lead character can't take it anymore, asking "What exactly happened to you in the city, were you mugged or something?!" It's a refreshing dose of meta-realism, and with Deloach at the helm and heavy yuletide background, it works. MSG approved.

Angels and Ornaments

An angel with a very predictable back story tries to nudge two platonic friends into romance and won't shut up about love. Find love, keep love, I lost love, love love lovey love love, BLORCH. Meanwhile all mention of Christmas falls by the wayside, except for an ornament that's involved but I'll be honest, I stopped playing close attention a while ago, if it wasn't for Jessalyn Gilsig's presence I would have shut this off. It alleviates the suffering, but it's suffering nonetheless. As partial as I am to angel stories this is not a keeper. Not MSG approved.

The Christmas Parade

Remember the Northern Exposure gender switch (Christmas Under Wraps)? This one is Doc Hollywood, down to the judge's destroyed fence, plus swap a doctor for a television correspondent and the community service involves the titular parade. Filled with mondo-cheesy lines like, "Sometimes broken roads lead to the best destinations," but Christmas factor is high, Jennifer Gibson's supporting performance as the producer/best friend makes up for the lead's lack of charisma and the anti-capitalist small town lure isn't as aggressive as normal. MSG approved.

The Mistletoe Inn

By now, Alicia Witt has become the Holy Ghost of the Hallmark Christmas Cheddar holy trinity, with Lacey Chabert the Daughter and Candace Cameron Buré the Mother. Her offering this year features her as an aspiring Christmas romance novelist, not doubt because to the good people at the network this is a lofty aspiration. The male lead is a guy I don't know from anything else but these Christmas movies, but he's done a whole bunch so he's a big fish in this little pond. And good for him, it's really hard to make a career as a working actor, and apparently he's a voice in Call Of Duty WWII, my holiday present to myself, so it all comes full circle. Lucie Guest plays the instant best friend and does a good job, enough that I hope it earns her some work, maybe a lead someday. There's Christmas imagery in almost every frame but the meta plot could really apply to any time of year, and the big twist is so obvious you should catch it literally 10 minutes in. Witt has never looked better so I'll probably watch it next year, but if you’re not crushing on her there’s probably no point in watching this. Not MSG approved.
SECOND LOOK:
I caught the second half of this while I was getting ready today and I’m giving it a second evaluation. The Christmas factor is high enough to overcome the nausea factor and Alicia Witt gives a very welcomed X Factor. I’ll say MSG approved now.