A Star For Christmas

Like all made for TV movies, this offering from UPtv is 90 minutes long, but it feels like 4 hours. Typical story of a big time movie star and his common girl love interest. She's got an ex-boyfriend, he's got an ex-girlfriend, blah blah blah. It's nothing we haven't seen before, and not only is there not much having to do with Christmas, taking place in a warm climate area, it doesn't even look seasonal. On the positive side, there's a number of solid supporting performances: Travis Van Winkle, who did a good job as the lead and kindly father figure in Christmas Getaway is evidently skilled at playing douchenozzle antagonists as well. Karissa Vacker elevates the proceedings as the flaky, new age spouting best friend, and Brooke Burns is sparkling as the male lead's ex, who would be a villain if she wasn't so charmingly sweet to everyone. But they can't overcome the amateurish direction, clichéd story, endless stream of irritating pop songs, and the almost nonexistent Christmas factor. Making things worst is lead actress Briana Evigan (who'd later go on to lead Hallmark's Once Upon A Holiday), who handles her character's insecurity by sadly brooding around all the time. Her character's thrusted into some unenviable situations, but that doesn't mean she has to be so god damn depressing to watch. The egregious presence of her doofus, loser brother puts the final nail in this coffin. I feel bad for Burns, Van Winkle, and especially Vacker, but I'll never get that 90 minutes of my life back, so it's an MSG Middle Finger for this one.

Christmas at Pemberly Manor

Android eyed Christmas Cheddar lifer Jessica Lowndes, and professional recurring character Michael Rady (previously seen on Hallmark in Joyous Christmas and Christmas in Homestead, MSG approved and MSG Fav respectively), front this one, about an up and coming event planner and the uptight business magnate the script throws her together with. She's got a demanding boss who's made it clear that her job depends on the small town Christmas festival she's assigned her to organize. He's ready to sell his childhood mansion when a conveniently timed water main break destroys the town square and has her begging to use his house for the festivities. He refuses, then relents, they bond, yada yada yada. The one twist here is the town mayor's an old friend of Lowndes' who evidently never quite got over being friend-zoned in college, and consequently becomes the third corner in the love triangle. The eventual winner of Lowndes' affections isn't particularly hard to guess, we all know who the male with the top billing is. But the instigator of the romantic obstacle in 95% of these things is a major league douchebag who deserves his eventual fate, not the well intentioned platonic buddy who becomes a chump and will be off to watch Christmas movies and sip Peppermint Mochas while he tries hard to not dwell on his failure during the most wonderful time of the year. This aside, the leads handle their roles well and the recurring Christmas gala planning makes the Christmas factor a constant. MSG Approved, just try to forget about the lonesome loser.

Love You Like Christmas

High powered Manhattan marketing exec (Bonnie Somerville, tv vet and star of the MSG Approved A Holiday Engagement) gets serendipitously stuck in tiny town and meets the obligatory single dad. The name of the town? Christmas Valley. Single dad's occupation? Christmas tree farmer. What landed her there? A combination of car trouble and a reindeer strategically placed on the road, perfectly positioned so as to cause a crash major enough to damage the car, but minor enough to keep our heroine from getting injured and keeping the com in rom-com intact. If you're from a big city and you happen to traveling in the vicinity of any town named after Christmas, Santa Claus, or anything remotely holiday related in the month of December, check the GPS and take a fucking detour, because evidently these places are like Yuletide Bermuda Triangles, just ready to lure unsuspecting city folk in, where the small town conceit is ready to brainwash them, destroying any chance of escape. If they do get out, it's only long enough to see how awful the city life they knew really is. The town knows you'll be back. THEY'LL ALWAYS BE BACK, MWAH HA HA HAAAAAA!!! So we know what's going to happen, and it doesn't help that lead male Brennan Elliott, who's been in a number of these thing, is a pretty creepy motherfucker (just look at the picture there), and his daughter, who may be a pretty sweet kid, is evidently so in need of a maternal figure that she obsessively stalks Somerville and talks about her non stop. Whether she's on her way to becoming a emotionally present benefactor herself or a serial killer is up to our imaginations, but for right now, she's ready and available to pitch in as the stranded Somerville uses her marketing savvy to sell daddy's Christmas trees and save the farm, which is naturally on the brink of foreclosure. Wouldn't be a small town business in a Hallmark movie if it didn't need saving. The progressively perceived evil of Somerville's city life is excruciating, and this would be a total washout if the Christmas tree subplot didn't kick in during the film's second act. Nausea factor's pretty high, not so much for the romantic schmaltz, but more for the Republican small town conceit.  But the tree marketing subplot boosts the Christmas factor, and that combined with Somerville's presence, makes the whole thing worthwhile in the end. There's a also a Christmas themed diner, owned by a woman named Holly. Where would we be without Christmas pun names? MSG Approved.

Rocky Mountain Christmas

Redheaded machine of hotness Lindy Booth (Kick Ass 2, The Librarians) returns to cheddar land for a fourth go around, this time as a Manhattan interior designer who gets dumped by some fucking imbecile, and responds the ONLY way a Hallmark Channel woman can to a break up: heads home to the tiny town where she grew up, to clear her head or something. You know how many people in New York City are originally from a major city? It's in the minority, so if everyone had to fly back to Mayberry each time their love life hit a speed bump, the place would be half-abandoned at any given point and the city's economy would probably collapse. The Whoville in this instance in in the titular region, where her Uncle (Treat Williams) owns a tourist ranch. Then along comes a famous Hollywood actor, played by a nobody Hollywood actor who probably doesn't appreciate the irony, who wants to learn the ranch life for an upcoming role. She teaches him to ride horses, chop wood and clean up horse shit (ok, that's not shown, but if you've ever been around a horse stable, you know that stuff doesn't fade away by Christmas magic), he helps her with the town Christmas parade, sparks fly, and nature takes its predictable course. The small town conceit isn't in full effect but it's present, there's the love triangle, Christmas tree decorating, etc. This is actually a Hallmark Movies and Mysteries film, but this is basic holiday rom-com territory. The only real difference is her widowed uncle, which again, is still in line with basic Hallmark Channel conventions, but like other less dramatic Hallmark M&M films, the dead wife is referenced one too many times to land a spot in the Hallmark big league. That aside, this is still lightheaded enough, Christmas factor is relatively high and the nausea factor doesn't go above standard. Plus it's got Redheaded machine of hotness Lindy Booth, who gets to rebound from her last cheddar flick, the Not MSG Approved Sound of Christmas (which was nearly scene for scene for scene rehash of her first Christmas flick, Lifetime's MSG Approved 12 Trees of Christmas, which even went so far as to cast the same actor as the lead male). MSG Approved.

Christmas Next Door

Christmas hating, greazy looking author of bachelor lifestyle books (the still alive John Tucker, aka Jess Metcalfe) is forced to find the formula for holiday cheer when he gets stuck watching his little niece and nephew as December 25th approaches. Fortunately, his spunky, violin toting neighbor bleeds red and green (Fiona Gubleman of "Wilfred"), and she's more than happy to share her holiday mojo to give the kids the Christmas they want, and turn Uncle Scrooge's attitude 180 degrees in the process. As stupid a detail is, it's called Christmas Next Door, but she doesn't live next door, she lives two doors down. I guess Christmas Two Doors Down doesn't have as good a ring to it. But the thing I keep wondering was, why would they make it a point to get the age-comparable man and woman off on the wrong foot by having them perturbed by each other's noise, as if they're separated by thin walls, when in fact there's an entire house between them. But it's a Hallmark Christmas movie and the physics of sound waves don't mean a god damn thing. What's more important is the mathematics of the love triangle. We all know who's gonna win out, especially when our pixie girl's rival is a lifer bachelorette who seems to hate kids. And these kids aren't going anywhere: they say never work with animals or children because they'll get all the attention, and truer words were never spoken than evidenced here. These kids steal every scene as they show uncle slickback the December what's what, draw Gubleman into his life, and drive the nemesis ice maiden insane. This the most laugh out loud Christmas Cheddar flick in recent memory, Christmas factor is off the scale, and Gubleman and the kids rock the house. Totally excellent and tied for the top spot of Hallmark's 2017 Countdown to Christmas. An MSG fav.

Sharing Christmas

Beautiful young owner of a Manhattan year round Christmas shop (Ellen Hollman, also seen in the MSG approved A Perfect Christmas List) faces eviction and finds romance with the representative of the real estate firm trying to force her out. How does that happen? He shows a little sympathy, the Hallmark Channel logo pops up in the bottom right corner and sparks fly. That happen in the real world? Probably not, but in Christmas Cheddar land it happens a lot (12 Trees of Christmas, Sound of Christmas, etc.). Naturally, no one gives a crap about reality in these things. First of all, again, this looks nothing like New York City, that is a very suburban looking block that's supposedly leading to our main setting, even the b-roll of the building's exterior is a shopping center in Colorado or someplace out west, according to what I read. They do actually have several shops like this here in Manhattan, but you ever been to one? The employees do not look like that, otherwise I might have found love while I was out shopping for an angel tree topper (I did not). In fact the most realistic thing about this movie is sunken look on Hollman's face when the realtor helping her find a possible new location tells her Manhattan's too expensive but she has some affordable properties in Jersey City, I had the same look of exhaustion and despair when my temp to perm freelance gig ended before the perm part kicked in. But the urban fantasy land is nothing we haven't seen before, and even if the plot isn't either, the yule sated boutique makes a fitting seasonal backdrop, and Hollman, while she may not have the energetic spunk of some of our better leads, is charismatic enough to carry the film. Bobby Campo does exactly what he did in the MSG Fav My Christmas Love, likably grin through the whole thing and managing to not look wooden or creepy. And it never hurts to have Hallmark's in-house milf Cynthia Gibb playing the tough but fair high-powered woman behind the man on hand. When are they gonna give her her own movie? She's still hot enough in my book. Christmas factor high, nausea factor moderate. MSG approved, and near the top of Hallmark's 2017 offerings.

Christmas Getaway

Raven haired beauty Bridget Regan leaves her John Wick arm and neck tattoos behind and returns to Christmas Cheddar territory after starring in 2015's MSG Approved Magic Stocking. That one was relegated to the Hallmark Movies & Mysteries channel, where the Hallmark executives drop the films that are either more dramatic or, are not all that different from flagship Hallmark Channel's romcom's but make one too many references to the dead wife or husband to be considered entirely lighthearted. It also upped the ante by specifying the husband's unfortunate demise in a car accident while on his way to buy their daughter the dog she wanted. A little big too heavy for brain checking escapism, but this is raven haired beauty Bridget Regan we're talking about.
Thank goodness we can drop that one from our December viewing after 2017 offered a much better alternative in the pop-friendly entry Christmas Getaway. Turns out Regan is actually a redheaded land-locked siren who let the back dye fade in time to play a travel writer who ends up latching on to a single dad and his daughter (a conveniently double-booked yule time cabin, gee, how the hell did that happen?) on their quest to fulfill all the items on her Christmas to do list (they keep calling it a "bucket list," so guys, don't forget that term means things to do before you die, we don't want to kick Regan back to Movies & Mysteries again). They say redheads are like other women, only more so, so if you're like me and have a weakness for Irish girls, look no further. If that's not you, well I'm happy to report that all the items on the obligatory "call casting and get us a sweet, adorable kid's" list drive the plot to hit all the Christmas bulletpoints: ice skating, cutting down and decorating a tree, gingerbread house contest, etc. Plus the usual Hallmark motifs are in full effect: snowed in, small town local customs, bonding with the love interest's child, saying, "It's not a date," (which is like the "Where's Waldo" of Christmas Cheddar scripts) and other conventions we've come to expect. Reagan's The Last Ship costar Travis Van Winkle (don't watch that show so never heard of him before, had to look that up) plays the lead male with an actual personality, and the inclusion of a 60's soul classic (licensing songs you actually know is not unheard of but pretty rare) anchors a surprisingly poignant climax. The result is Hallmark's best offering of 2017's Countdown to Christmas (or at least tied with Christmas Next Door, more on that later) and a must for your rotation, whether you love redheads or not. An MSG Fav.

Four Christmases and a Wedding

Arielle Kebbel is one of those actresses you've swear you've seen before but can't place where, even after checking her imdb page. Generic enough, she's still has enough charm to drive this yarn from Lifetime about an event planner and the guy she can never quite git wit year after year. Meanwhile there's a love triangle, a divorced sister, and a niece who doesn't age a day in four years and may be undead a la Kirsten Dunst in Interview With The Vampire. Don't worry, things work out for everyone, including the little vampire, who seems fine walking around during the day. Fans of Christmas Cheddar may be amused by what's either a meta reference or shameless cross promotion, when the gang sits down to watch the fair's nightly movie under the stars and it's the Lifetime Christmas Cheddar flick Dear Santa (MSG Approved, check for the review a few weeks ago), upon which Kebble declares, "Oh I love this movie!" Sharp fans will also recognize the film being screened in another scene as 2015's Becoming Santa. Christmas factor is moderately high, and the absence of a villain makes the nausea factor less annoying. MSG Approved.

Switched for Christmas

It's December so of course it's time for the Mother of the Countdown To Christmas Holy Trinity, Candace Cameron Buré. Here she plays twins who switch places: one a suburban schoolteacher and the other a city exec. They're both planning Christmas celebrations so the Christmas factor is moderate, and there's a breezy, casual atmosphere courtesy of director Lee Friedlander, probably the only Christmas Cheddar director who deserves credit for actually directing a movie (she helmed the MSG Fav A Gift Wrapped Christmas). A movie about planning a holiday party and Christmas fair should be more steeped in December imagery, but the nausea factor doesn't rise over moderate, and while the small town seems to be favored, the big city is not entirely dismissed. Not sure if I'd watch it again but after the crappy ones I tried to watch yesterday I'm feeling generous. MSG approved.

12 Days of Giving

No! Another questionable premise, more bad acting, and for a movie about giving in December, the Christmas factor is disappointingly low. No. Not MSG approved.

Under the Mistletoe

I'm about 20 minutes in and I'm shutting this off right now. Husband dies in a car accident, son talks to his ghost and argues with everyone, gets in fights, and I guess the mother's friends about about to enter her in a dating contest but this is a huge downer and it's about as Christmas as an episode of American Horror Story. Not MSG approved.

A Christmas Prince

Even Netflix is getting into it now. iZombie’s Rose McIver ditches the undead look to star as a reporter who goes undercover as a princess’ tutor to get the scoop on her big brother, a young jet setter who may be choosing to abdicate his inherited throne. Because this is Netflix, the film hit the radar of many not familiar with Christmas Cheddar and had no idea what to expect. Several articles reporting on Netflix's tweets to the 53 people who inexplicably watched this movie every day since it dropped, referred to it as trash, and Buzzfeed called it the worst Christmas movie of all time. Is it really that bad? No. In fact it's exactly the same as a typical Hallmark movie; literally the only difference is there's no Hallmark logo in the lower right of the screen. Actually, it's obvious from the very beginning when we're inundated with B-rolls of NYC to hide the fact that it was filmed in Canada somewhere. Wolmen's Skating rink? We've got that B-roll. New York Public Library? We've got that B-roll. Empire State Building? Radio City Music Hall? Rockefeller Center? We've got that B-roll. Does the actual outside set look anything like New York City? Of course not. Keep watching and it's exactly the same as a number of specific American vs royalty sub-genre films all over cable in December: free-spirited American finds her way into the royal home of a fictional country which is not Great Britain but everyone sounds British, causes havoc, draws the ire of the elders, then bonds with the child, charms the pants off everyone and before you know it, they can't live without her and the age appropriate male has fallen head over heals. Don't forget her arrival at the climactic ball in an elegant dress to make the snob's jaws drop. Cliched and predictable, but no more so than anything else in the Countdown to Christmas cannon, which should be a surprise to no one. What the fuck was Buzzfeed expecting, a Christmas episode of The Crown? Stranger Christmas Things? A Very Mindhunter Christmas? Oye. Meanwhile, as much as McIver's chalk white make up and platinum blonde wig from iZombie appeals to my inner goth, it is nice to see her au natural, even if it is without her sexy New Zealand accent. Speaking of, the film features two of the worst faked American accents I've ever heard; her father sounds like Brooklyn native in a production of Oliver Twist, and her boss' is so bad it's worth watching for that train wreck alone (just watch the first ten minutes and skip to the last ten, the scene at the end is especially bad). Is it a good movie? Of course not, this is not artistic cinema. But this is exactly the movie Netflix for some reason wanted to make. Is it good as far as Christmas Cheddar goes? Unfortunately not. While McIver is a delight and the cast is strong (the two accents excepted), it's just a December rom-com in which Christmas is an afterthought. Not MSG approved. Nice try though, Netflix.

Snowmance

Holy fuck this one from Ion was painful. Snowman comes to life as the man of this girl's dreams, the platonic friend who obviously loves turns into a whiney bitch for an hour and a half. I had to fast forward at spots because there were about 74 speeches about how love is about friendship and not excitement, yada yada yada. I would have just shut it off but I wanted to see how they reconciled the existence of the living snowman, which they never did. The one good scene is when the livings snowman builds an actual snowman whom he refers to as "Doug," then freaks out when he jealous friend knocks it over, calling him a murderer. One mild chuckle doesn't give me that 80 minutes of life back. Christmas is barely mentioned. MSG Middle Finger.

A Gift to Remember

Amnesia is not an uncommon plot point in Christmas Cheddar: last year there was the MSG Approved "A Christmas To Remember" (note the nearly identical name) with Mira Sorvino and this year's Not MSG Approved and as I pointed out, morally questionable "Second Chance Christmas." In this one our leading lady actually causes the problem when she runs over a random stranger with her bicycle. Hilarity doesn't ensue, it's more of mystery as they try to piece together his identity. Weird thing is he doesn't seem to mind that this girl nearly killed him or that he doesn't know who the fuck he is. He grins and smirks thought the whole movie, amid the clues and revelations. It's really creepy; if this was Lifetime and January though November the guy would probably turn out to be a serial killer. There's a Christmas Eve book store event and some holiday decorations but the Christmas factor's too low to overcome a leading man whom you can't decide whether to punch in the face or run for your life from. Not MSG Approved.

With Love, Christmas

An advertising creative tries to subtly learn more about her Secret Santa recipient while they work on a cell phone campaign. She loves Christmas, he hates it. Add a side dish of his cold relationship with his father and her anonymous email address which starts as a way of gathering gift preference info and turns into one long cybertherapy session. The biggest surprise is here is the placement of the last minute obstacle is somewhat against the grain. It’s hardly a Shymalan twist but the slightest deviation from the formula is noticeable, in a good way. Christmas factor high. MSG Approved.

Every Christmas Has a Story

Leading up to its premier last year, Hallmark played up the fact that its two leads characters were ex-flames. I almost skipped it but gave it a shot; fortunately that angle was a mere subplot played up to promote to their year round audience. Viewers like me just looking for a Yuletide escape are welcome, this is more of a lost Christmas Spirit tale coupled with a mystery. Fluff morning show host Lori Laughlin (who’s also turning into a Christmas Cheddar lifer, 2015’s Northpole: Open For Christmas is MSG Approved) lets it slip on the air that she hates Christmas. It’s not as bad as Sue Simmons saying, “What the fuck are you doing?” (google it) but it’s enough for the network to replace her Christmas vacation with an assignment in a tiny Christmas themed town that’s offered to help bring her Christmas spirit back. It’s a gateway to high Christmas factor plot and the romantic nausea factor doesn’t really step in until the end, when the characters essentially declare, “Oh btw, now that the adventure’s over, I love you, just thought I’d mention it.” Throw in an estranged father, because it’s Hallmark so why the hell not? MSG Approved.

Coming Home for Christmas

Wonder Years alum, math genius and author (seriously, look it up) Danica McKellar is turning into a Christmas Cheddar lifer with round number four here, after the Not MSG Approved "Crown For Christmas," the MSG Approved "My Christmas Dream." and "Love At The Christmas Table (didn't see it). This one's very similar to the bevy of "spunky American works her way into the hearts of stuffy British Royalty" films like "Princess For Christmas" (w/Katie "eaten by a dinosaur" McGrath, MSG Approved), "A Royal Christmas" (w/holy trinity Daughter Lacey Chabert - Not MSG Approved) and her own aforementioned "Crown For Christmas." The twist here is we're still in the USA, so the royals are replaced with wealthy aristocratic Americans in a mansion instead of a castle. As their new House Manager, she's tasked with planning the Christmas gala, which potentially could have been tacked on at the end but becomes a running subplot throughout. There's also a love triangle but the A story is a dysfunctional family bonding through their shared love of the newcomer. It's a common story but welcoming when the romance is resigned to the B plot. We all probably go through the same shit except we're not billionaires, but imagine 87 more rooms in the house where you grew up and you just might relate. Bonus points for the inclusion of Chelan Simmons from the tv remake of "Carrie" that only I seem to remember (you may have seen her getting fried in a tanning bed in "Final Destination 3"). Christmas factor high. MSG approved.

A Very Merry Toy Store

Competing toy stores team up to fight the big chain threatening to put an end to them both. Enemies become friends, friends become lovers, former teen actors get work, Brian Dennehy pops up for good measure and gets to keep his SAG health insurance. For a movie that revolves around 3 competing toy stores, the Christmas Factor is surprisingly low. There's nothing here to really elevate the material, in fact the best part is the character of Hart's brother in the arch-typical "dumb guy role." When an alleged romantic-comedy needs a comedy-relief, it's not a good sign. Not MSG approved.

The Christmas Calendar

After playing Santa’s daughter in the MSG Approved "Becoming Santa" and returning to the genre in the MSG Middle Finger "Season’s Greetings" (shut that one off about 20 minutes in), professional plain jane Laura Bell Bundy is back with this offering from Up TV. This is sort of a less aggressive version of the MSG Middle Finger "A Christmas Reunion," Bundy plays a big city lawyer who returns to the small town to take over the bakery she inherited from her grandmother. But this time it's someone who chose to do so, instead of having some local prick bad mouthing her life choice at every turn until she magically relents. As her nose-ringed millennial assistant points out, "She used to be a lawyer, but she's better now." I'm not sure if that's intended to be anti-capitalist or anti-lawyer, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and go with the latter. There's the impending foreclosure and the business rival who becomes the love interest, wrapped inside a plot which focuses on the anonymous titular gift, which includes a new message each day. How small is this town? Before this happens, the front page story in the local paper is a dog giving birth to 12 puppies, so once word of her mystery hits the news cycle, the whole town gets all up in her business, both personal and professional, wondering who the secret admirer is. It should be pretty easy to guess, especially since the premise was scooped by a film last year (won't say which one, not that anybody cares, but no spoilers just in case). I'll assume the script was written more than a year ago and chalk it up to parallel development. Someone might have caught it and changed the ending but then again it would kind of ruin the whole premise, and for these movies, who gives a crap about originality anyway? But the big difference is last year's film did it better. Like the unsuccessful films this could have been any other month. Plus when the hell is she baking? Not MSG approved.

Enchanted Christmas

Former Spy Kid turned Machette Kills vixen Alexa PenaVega lands in Christmas Cheddar land as a hotel development Project Manager who's latest assignment just happens to be back in her hometown, at a hotel that just happens to be where she danced in the yearly Christmas show as a kid, which now just happens to be directed by her ex-flame. The PM for this production obviously was working off the trusty template (it's what we do) because all the steps are in the timeline: the widowed lead, the small town, the Christmas deadline, the former boyfriend, the single parent’s child the potential beau bonds with, the current boyfriend who turns into a douche, the loud conversation on the cell phone out in the open that gives away the antagonist's treachery, the sudden opportunity with the immediate deadline that forced the lead to choose between career and love, and the lifelong ambitions that fall by the wayside. Why can't the powers that be just wait two fucking days so our heroes don't have to make a Sophie's choice with their life paths? Real life husband Carlos PenaVega is likable as the lead male, and Alexa is indeed enchanting, but the Christmas factor is way too low, despite the big Christmas gala at the end. Better than I expected, but not MSG approved.