Love You Like Christmas

High powered Manhattan marketing exec (Bonnie Somerville, tv vet and star of the MSG Approved A Holiday Engagement) gets serendipitously stuck in tiny town and meets the obligatory single dad. The name of the town? Christmas Valley. Single dad's occupation? Christmas tree farmer. What landed her there? A combination of car trouble and a reindeer strategically placed on the road, perfectly positioned so as to cause a crash major enough to damage the car, but minor enough to keep our heroine from getting injured and keeping the com in rom-com intact. If you're from a big city and you happen to traveling in the vicinity of any town named after Christmas, Santa Claus, or anything remotely holiday related in the month of December, check the GPS and take a fucking detour, because evidently these places are like Yuletide Bermuda Triangles, just ready to lure unsuspecting city folk in, where the small town conceit is ready to brainwash them, destroying any chance of escape. If they do get out, it's only long enough to see how awful the city life they knew really is. The town knows you'll be back. THEY'LL ALWAYS BE BACK, MWAH HA HA HAAAAAA!!! So we know what's going to happen, and it doesn't help that lead male Brennan Elliott, who's been in a number of these thing, is a pretty creepy motherfucker (just look at the picture there), and his daughter, who may be a pretty sweet kid, is evidently so in need of a maternal figure that she obsessively stalks Somerville and talks about her non stop. Whether she's on her way to becoming a emotionally present benefactor herself or a serial killer is up to our imaginations, but for right now, she's ready and available to pitch in as the stranded Somerville uses her marketing savvy to sell daddy's Christmas trees and save the farm, which is naturally on the brink of foreclosure. Wouldn't be a small town business in a Hallmark movie if it didn't need saving. The progressively perceived evil of Somerville's city life is excruciating, and this would be a total washout if the Christmas tree subplot didn't kick in during the film's second act. Nausea factor's pretty high, not so much for the romantic schmaltz, but more for the Republican small town conceit.  But the tree marketing subplot boosts the Christmas factor, and that combined with Somerville's presence, makes the whole thing worthwhile in the end. There's a also a Christmas themed diner, owned by a woman named Holly. Where would we be without Christmas pun names? MSG Approved.

Rocky Mountain Christmas

Redheaded machine of hotness Lindy Booth (Kick Ass 2, The Librarians) returns to cheddar land for a fourth go around, this time as a Manhattan interior designer who gets dumped by some fucking imbecile, and responds the ONLY way a Hallmark Channel woman can to a break up: heads home to the tiny town where she grew up, to clear her head or something. You know how many people in New York City are originally from a major city? It's in the minority, so if everyone had to fly back to Mayberry each time their love life hit a speed bump, the place would be half-abandoned at any given point and the city's economy would probably collapse. The Whoville in this instance in in the titular region, where her Uncle (Treat Williams) owns a tourist ranch. Then along comes a famous Hollywood actor, played by a nobody Hollywood actor who probably doesn't appreciate the irony, who wants to learn the ranch life for an upcoming role. She teaches him to ride horses, chop wood and clean up horse shit (ok, that's not shown, but if you've ever been around a horse stable, you know that stuff doesn't fade away by Christmas magic), he helps her with the town Christmas parade, sparks fly, and nature takes its predictable course. The small town conceit isn't in full effect but it's present, there's the love triangle, Christmas tree decorating, etc. This is actually a Hallmark Movies and Mysteries film, but this is basic holiday rom-com territory. The only real difference is her widowed uncle, which again, is still in line with basic Hallmark Channel conventions, but like other less dramatic Hallmark M&M films, the dead wife is referenced one too many times to land a spot in the Hallmark big league. That aside, this is still lightheaded enough, Christmas factor is relatively high and the nausea factor doesn't go above standard. Plus it's got Redheaded machine of hotness Lindy Booth, who gets to rebound from her last cheddar flick, the Not MSG Approved Sound of Christmas (which was nearly scene for scene for scene rehash of her first Christmas flick, Lifetime's MSG Approved 12 Trees of Christmas, which even went so far as to cast the same actor as the lead male). MSG Approved.

Sharing Christmas

Beautiful young owner of a Manhattan year round Christmas shop (Ellen Hollman, also seen in the MSG approved A Perfect Christmas List) faces eviction and finds romance with the representative of the real estate firm trying to force her out. How does that happen? He shows a little sympathy, the Hallmark Channel logo pops up in the bottom right corner and sparks fly. That happen in the real world? Probably not, but in Christmas Cheddar land it happens a lot (12 Trees of Christmas, Sound of Christmas, etc.). Naturally, no one gives a crap about reality in these things. First of all, again, this looks nothing like New York City, that is a very suburban looking block that's supposedly leading to our main setting, even the b-roll of the building's exterior is a shopping center in Colorado or someplace out west, according to what I read. They do actually have several shops like this here in Manhattan, but you ever been to one? The employees do not look like that, otherwise I might have found love while I was out shopping for an angel tree topper (I did not). In fact the most realistic thing about this movie is sunken look on Hollman's face when the realtor helping her find a possible new location tells her Manhattan's too expensive but she has some affordable properties in Jersey City, I had the same look of exhaustion and despair when my temp to perm freelance gig ended before the perm part kicked in. But the urban fantasy land is nothing we haven't seen before, and even if the plot isn't either, the yule sated boutique makes a fitting seasonal backdrop, and Hollman, while she may not have the energetic spunk of some of our better leads, is charismatic enough to carry the film. Bobby Campo does exactly what he did in the MSG Fav My Christmas Love, likably grin through the whole thing and managing to not look wooden or creepy. And it never hurts to have Hallmark's in-house milf Cynthia Gibb playing the tough but fair high-powered woman behind the man on hand. When are they gonna give her her own movie? She's still hot enough in my book. Christmas factor high, nausea factor moderate. MSG approved, and near the top of Hallmark's 2017 offerings.

Christmas Getaway

Raven haired beauty Bridget Regan leaves her John Wick arm and neck tattoos behind and returns to Christmas Cheddar territory after starring in 2015's MSG Approved Magic Stocking. That one was relegated to the Hallmark Movies & Mysteries channel, where the Hallmark executives drop the films that are either more dramatic or, are not all that different from flagship Hallmark Channel's romcom's but make one too many references to the dead wife or husband to be considered entirely lighthearted. It also upped the ante by specifying the husband's unfortunate demise in a car accident while on his way to buy their daughter the dog she wanted. A little big too heavy for brain checking escapism, but this is raven haired beauty Bridget Regan we're talking about.
Thank goodness we can drop that one from our December viewing after 2017 offered a much better alternative in the pop-friendly entry Christmas Getaway. Turns out Regan is actually a redheaded land-locked siren who let the back dye fade in time to play a travel writer who ends up latching on to a single dad and his daughter (a conveniently double-booked yule time cabin, gee, how the hell did that happen?) on their quest to fulfill all the items on her Christmas to do list (they keep calling it a "bucket list," so guys, don't forget that term means things to do before you die, we don't want to kick Regan back to Movies & Mysteries again). They say redheads are like other women, only more so, so if you're like me and have a weakness for Irish girls, look no further. If that's not you, well I'm happy to report that all the items on the obligatory "call casting and get us a sweet, adorable kid's" list drive the plot to hit all the Christmas bulletpoints: ice skating, cutting down and decorating a tree, gingerbread house contest, etc. Plus the usual Hallmark motifs are in full effect: snowed in, small town local customs, bonding with the love interest's child, saying, "It's not a date," (which is like the "Where's Waldo" of Christmas Cheddar scripts) and other conventions we've come to expect. Reagan's The Last Ship costar Travis Van Winkle (don't watch that show so never heard of him before, had to look that up) plays the lead male with an actual personality, and the inclusion of a 60's soul classic (licensing songs you actually know is not unheard of but pretty rare) anchors a surprisingly poignant climax. The result is Hallmark's best offering of 2017's Countdown to Christmas (or at least tied with Christmas Next Door, more on that later) and a must for your rotation, whether you love redheads or not. An MSG Fav.

The Perfect Christmas Present

Two years ago both Hallmark and Lifetime ran Christmas movies about personal shoppers (the MSG Approved “12 Gifts of Christmas” and the far superior MSG Fav “A Gift-Wrapped Christmas” respectively, which I'll get to later). Hallmark had a brunette, Lifetime had a blonde, now Hallmark Movies & Mysteries channel has a novel approach to its lead character: a man! Basically, guy finds clients the perfect gift for their intendees, specializing in Christmas (earning him the nickname Mr Christmas, which would have been a better title but might have clashed with Hallmark's Miss Christmas, which I'll also get to) via a questionnaire and savvy research. But a last minute request from a corporate client who's basically too self-absorbed to give a shit, forces him to be more proactive and essentially stalk the woman in question, leading to the inevitable meeting. Basically he's a G rated version of Matt Dillon in There's Something About Mary, maybe he's not as aggressive about it and there's no cumshots to the ear but we are teetering on a morality fence. Most importantly, this could happened January through November they could have called called it The Perfect Birthday Present and it would have been 98% identical; a Christmas themed fundraiser at the end is too little too late. Not MSG approved.

A Song for Christmas

Country pop star gets stuck in the obligatory tiny town, is practically adopted instantly by a local family. Apparently all it takes is asking to borrow a phone for 30 seconds and the next thing you know they’re inviting you over for dinner then insisting you stay overnight, which sounds a little too much like a cult kidnapping to me. There’s a son who plays guitar and a whole bunch of romantic tension and country music. I nearly shut this off seven minutes in when Johnny Joe Jim-Bob starts strumming a hillbilly riff at the local gas station, but it was getting late and I didn’t want to start over with another movie before going to bed, I had work in the morning. I didn’t really care about those two but there’s a more engaging subplot about the teenage daughter’s plans to save the family farm before the bank forecloses (yes, it’s one of those). City life's not immune to criticism, as soon as we meet mom and dad we learn mom's a city transplant who met country dad and fell head over heels, referring to herself as a, "reformed city girl," as if she'd overcome a self-destructive affliction. In a way, this is kind of an unofficial sequel to 90% of the Hallmark Christmas cheddar, so I guess we no longer need to wonder about what actually happens to these couples 20 years down the road. As for the film itself, it's supposed be more dramatic but the persistence of light-hearted quips give this the appearance of a rom-com not funny enough to earn the com. Christmas factor is moderately high but would I watch it again? Probably not. Not MSG approved, but I kind of feel bad about it. Let's say it gets 2 1/2 Christmas Trees, add a half if country music doesn't get on your nerves.