A Star For Christmas

Like all made for TV movies, this offering from UPtv is 90 minutes long, but it feels like 4 hours. Typical story of a big time movie star and his common girl love interest. She's got an ex-boyfriend, he's got an ex-girlfriend, blah blah blah. It's nothing we haven't seen before, and not only is there not much having to do with Christmas, taking place in a warm climate area, it doesn't even look seasonal. On the positive side, there's a number of solid supporting performances: Travis Van Winkle, who did a good job as the lead and kindly father figure in Christmas Getaway is evidently skilled at playing douchenozzle antagonists as well. Karissa Vacker elevates the proceedings as the flaky, new age spouting best friend, and Brooke Burns is sparkling as the male lead's ex, who would be a villain if she wasn't so charmingly sweet to everyone. But they can't overcome the amateurish direction, clichéd story, endless stream of irritating pop songs, and the almost nonexistent Christmas factor. Making things worst is lead actress Briana Evigan (who'd later go on to lead Hallmark's Once Upon A Holiday), who handles her character's insecurity by sadly brooding around all the time. Her character's thrusted into some unenviable situations, but that doesn't mean she has to be so god damn depressing to watch. The egregious presence of her doofus, loser brother puts the final nail in this coffin. I feel bad for Burns, Van Winkle, and especially Vacker, but I'll never get that 90 minutes of my life back, so it's an MSG Middle Finger for this one.

Christmas at Pemberly Manor

Android eyed Christmas Cheddar lifer Jessica Lowndes, and professional recurring character Michael Rady (previously seen on Hallmark in Joyous Christmas and Christmas in Homestead, MSG approved and MSG Fav respectively), front this one, about an up and coming event planner and the uptight business magnate the script throws her together with. She's got a demanding boss who's made it clear that her job depends on the small town Christmas festival she's assigned her to organize. He's ready to sell his childhood mansion when a conveniently timed water main break destroys the town square and has her begging to use his house for the festivities. He refuses, then relents, they bond, yada yada yada. The one twist here is the town mayor's an old friend of Lowndes' who evidently never quite got over being friend-zoned in college, and consequently becomes the third corner in the love triangle. The eventual winner of Lowndes' affections isn't particularly hard to guess, we all know who the male with the top billing is. But the instigator of the romantic obstacle in 95% of these things is a major league douchebag who deserves his eventual fate, not the well intentioned platonic buddy who becomes a chump and will be off to watch Christmas movies and sip Peppermint Mochas while he tries hard to not dwell on his failure during the most wonderful time of the year. This aside, the leads handle their roles well and the recurring Christmas gala planning makes the Christmas factor a constant. MSG Approved, just try to forget about the lonesome loser.

Love You Like Christmas

High powered Manhattan marketing exec (Bonnie Somerville, tv vet and star of the MSG Approved A Holiday Engagement) gets serendipitously stuck in tiny town and meets the obligatory single dad. The name of the town? Christmas Valley. Single dad's occupation? Christmas tree farmer. What landed her there? A combination of car trouble and a reindeer strategically placed on the road, perfectly positioned so as to cause a crash major enough to damage the car, but minor enough to keep our heroine from getting injured and keeping the com in rom-com intact. If you're from a big city and you happen to traveling in the vicinity of any town named after Christmas, Santa Claus, or anything remotely holiday related in the month of December, check the GPS and take a fucking detour, because evidently these places are like Yuletide Bermuda Triangles, just ready to lure unsuspecting city folk in, where the small town conceit is ready to brainwash them, destroying any chance of escape. If they do get out, it's only long enough to see how awful the city life they knew really is. The town knows you'll be back. THEY'LL ALWAYS BE BACK, MWAH HA HA HAAAAAA!!! So we know what's going to happen, and it doesn't help that lead male Brennan Elliott, who's been in a number of these thing, is a pretty creepy motherfucker (just look at the picture there), and his daughter, who may be a pretty sweet kid, is evidently so in need of a maternal figure that she obsessively stalks Somerville and talks about her non stop. Whether she's on her way to becoming a emotionally present benefactor herself or a serial killer is up to our imaginations, but for right now, she's ready and available to pitch in as the stranded Somerville uses her marketing savvy to sell daddy's Christmas trees and save the farm, which is naturally on the brink of foreclosure. Wouldn't be a small town business in a Hallmark movie if it didn't need saving. The progressively perceived evil of Somerville's city life is excruciating, and this would be a total washout if the Christmas tree subplot didn't kick in during the film's second act. Nausea factor's pretty high, not so much for the romantic schmaltz, but more for the Republican small town conceit.  But the tree marketing subplot boosts the Christmas factor, and that combined with Somerville's presence, makes the whole thing worthwhile in the end. There's a also a Christmas themed diner, owned by a woman named Holly. Where would we be without Christmas pun names? MSG Approved.

Rocky Mountain Christmas

Redheaded machine of hotness Lindy Booth (Kick Ass 2, The Librarians) returns to cheddar land for a fourth go around, this time as a Manhattan interior designer who gets dumped by some fucking imbecile, and responds the ONLY way a Hallmark Channel woman can to a break up: heads home to the tiny town where she grew up, to clear her head or something. You know how many people in New York City are originally from a major city? It's in the minority, so if everyone had to fly back to Mayberry each time their love life hit a speed bump, the place would be half-abandoned at any given point and the city's economy would probably collapse. The Whoville in this instance in in the titular region, where her Uncle (Treat Williams) owns a tourist ranch. Then along comes a famous Hollywood actor, played by a nobody Hollywood actor who probably doesn't appreciate the irony, who wants to learn the ranch life for an upcoming role. She teaches him to ride horses, chop wood and clean up horse shit (ok, that's not shown, but if you've ever been around a horse stable, you know that stuff doesn't fade away by Christmas magic), he helps her with the town Christmas parade, sparks fly, and nature takes its predictable course. The small town conceit isn't in full effect but it's present, there's the love triangle, Christmas tree decorating, etc. This is actually a Hallmark Movies and Mysteries film, but this is basic holiday rom-com territory. The only real difference is her widowed uncle, which again, is still in line with basic Hallmark Channel conventions, but like other less dramatic Hallmark M&M films, the dead wife is referenced one too many times to land a spot in the Hallmark big league. That aside, this is still lightheaded enough, Christmas factor is relatively high and the nausea factor doesn't go above standard. Plus it's got Redheaded machine of hotness Lindy Booth, who gets to rebound from her last cheddar flick, the Not MSG Approved Sound of Christmas (which was nearly scene for scene for scene rehash of her first Christmas flick, Lifetime's MSG Approved 12 Trees of Christmas, which even went so far as to cast the same actor as the lead male). MSG Approved.

Christmas Next Door

Christmas hating, greazy looking author of bachelor lifestyle books (the still alive John Tucker, aka Jess Metcalfe) is forced to find the formula for holiday cheer when he gets stuck watching his little niece and nephew as December 25th approaches. Fortunately, his spunky, violin toting neighbor bleeds red and green (Fiona Gubleman of "Wilfred"), and she's more than happy to share her holiday mojo to give the kids the Christmas they want, and turn Uncle Scrooge's attitude 180 degrees in the process. As stupid a detail is, it's called Christmas Next Door, but she doesn't live next door, she lives two doors down. I guess Christmas Two Doors Down doesn't have as good a ring to it. But the thing I keep wondering was, why would they make it a point to get the age-comparable man and woman off on the wrong foot by having them perturbed by each other's noise, as if they're separated by thin walls, when in fact there's an entire house between them. But it's a Hallmark Christmas movie and the physics of sound waves don't mean a god damn thing. What's more important is the mathematics of the love triangle. We all know who's gonna win out, especially when our pixie girl's rival is a lifer bachelorette who seems to hate kids. And these kids aren't going anywhere: they say never work with animals or children because they'll get all the attention, and truer words were never spoken than evidenced here. These kids steal every scene as they show uncle slickback the December what's what, draw Gubleman into his life, and drive the nemesis ice maiden insane. This the most laugh out loud Christmas Cheddar flick in recent memory, Christmas factor is off the scale, and Gubleman and the kids rock the house. Totally excellent and tied for the top spot of Hallmark's 2017 Countdown to Christmas. An MSG fav.

Sharing Christmas

Beautiful young owner of a Manhattan year round Christmas shop (Ellen Hollman, also seen in the MSG approved A Perfect Christmas List) faces eviction and finds romance with the representative of the real estate firm trying to force her out. How does that happen? He shows a little sympathy, the Hallmark Channel logo pops up in the bottom right corner and sparks fly. That happen in the real world? Probably not, but in Christmas Cheddar land it happens a lot (12 Trees of Christmas, Sound of Christmas, etc.). Naturally, no one gives a crap about reality in these things. First of all, again, this looks nothing like New York City, that is a very suburban looking block that's supposedly leading to our main setting, even the b-roll of the building's exterior is a shopping center in Colorado or someplace out west, according to what I read. They do actually have several shops like this here in Manhattan, but you ever been to one? The employees do not look like that, otherwise I might have found love while I was out shopping for an angel tree topper (I did not). In fact the most realistic thing about this movie is sunken look on Hollman's face when the realtor helping her find a possible new location tells her Manhattan's too expensive but she has some affordable properties in Jersey City, I had the same look of exhaustion and despair when my temp to perm freelance gig ended before the perm part kicked in. But the urban fantasy land is nothing we haven't seen before, and even if the plot isn't either, the yule sated boutique makes a fitting seasonal backdrop, and Hollman, while she may not have the energetic spunk of some of our better leads, is charismatic enough to carry the film. Bobby Campo does exactly what he did in the MSG Fav My Christmas Love, likably grin through the whole thing and managing to not look wooden or creepy. And it never hurts to have Hallmark's in-house milf Cynthia Gibb playing the tough but fair high-powered woman behind the man on hand. When are they gonna give her her own movie? She's still hot enough in my book. Christmas factor high, nausea factor moderate. MSG approved, and near the top of Hallmark's 2017 offerings.

Christmas Getaway

Raven haired beauty Bridget Regan leaves her John Wick arm and neck tattoos behind and returns to Christmas Cheddar territory after starring in 2015's MSG Approved Magic Stocking. That one was relegated to the Hallmark Movies & Mysteries channel, where the Hallmark executives drop the films that are either more dramatic or, are not all that different from flagship Hallmark Channel's romcom's but make one too many references to the dead wife or husband to be considered entirely lighthearted. It also upped the ante by specifying the husband's unfortunate demise in a car accident while on his way to buy their daughter the dog she wanted. A little big too heavy for brain checking escapism, but this is raven haired beauty Bridget Regan we're talking about.
Thank goodness we can drop that one from our December viewing after 2017 offered a much better alternative in the pop-friendly entry Christmas Getaway. Turns out Regan is actually a redheaded land-locked siren who let the back dye fade in time to play a travel writer who ends up latching on to a single dad and his daughter (a conveniently double-booked yule time cabin, gee, how the hell did that happen?) on their quest to fulfill all the items on her Christmas to do list (they keep calling it a "bucket list," so guys, don't forget that term means things to do before you die, we don't want to kick Regan back to Movies & Mysteries again). They say redheads are like other women, only more so, so if you're like me and have a weakness for Irish girls, look no further. If that's not you, well I'm happy to report that all the items on the obligatory "call casting and get us a sweet, adorable kid's" list drive the plot to hit all the Christmas bulletpoints: ice skating, cutting down and decorating a tree, gingerbread house contest, etc. Plus the usual Hallmark motifs are in full effect: snowed in, small town local customs, bonding with the love interest's child, saying, "It's not a date," (which is like the "Where's Waldo" of Christmas Cheddar scripts) and other conventions we've come to expect. Reagan's The Last Ship costar Travis Van Winkle (don't watch that show so never heard of him before, had to look that up) plays the lead male with an actual personality, and the inclusion of a 60's soul classic (licensing songs you actually know is not unheard of but pretty rare) anchors a surprisingly poignant climax. The result is Hallmark's best offering of 2017's Countdown to Christmas (or at least tied with Christmas Next Door, more on that later) and a must for your rotation, whether you love redheads or not. An MSG Fav.